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10 absurd lies men tell on Valentine’s day

Oh, Valentine’s day, the silly season of love is here with us again. But Valentine’s day has never been about love. It’s more like a day resulting from a conspiracy hatched by florists and confectioners to fleece men of their hard-earned money, with the aim of benefiting women.

So, poor men are dragged out to spend on sumptuous meals and drinks, besides scratching their heads for gift ideas that the conniving women will actually appreciate. Thank God jamaas are becoming smart and have many ways (read lies) to escape from the mtego of Valentine’s. 

Here are 10 hilarious lies men would use to skip a Valentine’s date:

1. My ‘cucu’ was knocked by a tuk tuk

You know very well Kanyam-Kago village has no pathways, let alone roads, that a tuk tuk can navigate. But you are so desperate to keep your accounts balanced, your only excuse is that grandma Nyakonyango in shagz was hit by an imaginary tuk tuk and you have to be by her side for a week, or else “our family has very strong curses!”

2. Babes...there is Zika virus Every day, there is a new disease: Ebola, Swine Flu, Bird Flu...and today it’s the Zika virus, which luckily (for sadists) originated from Uganda.

So, on Valentine’s, you call your woman over that unfortunate kafununu of Zika virus in your hood, which has been quarantined, and you wouldn’t her to come over and die with you since KDF has already barricaded the area!

3. ‘Nguno’ the cow was electrocuted This lass has never heard you talk biashara or about investment beyond sports betting, but suddenly, this love season, you have cows - one named ‘Nguno’- in your rural home (where there is no electricity).

You tell your sweetheart that you have to rush to ushago because your prized cows have been electrocuted...and you had not renewed their livestock insurance! You just have to go home!

4. My flight has been cancelled ‘Baby, KQ Boeing 756 will fly me to you’. That’s how you tease, showing your woman just how promising this Valentine’s will be. But on the eve of your flight from your imaginary airport, the flight gets delayed, then  cancelled!

5. I’ve been transferred to Lokichar It is not uncommon for a dude to declare he’s been transferred to Lokichar in the heart of dusty Turkana County two days to Valentine’s and has to look for a house there ASAP. It’s a promotion which means more money to throw at you, right baby? But he calls a week later to inform you that the boss changed his mind...and that calls for champagne at his place!

6. I have joined Al-Shabaab  Just before Valentine’s day, a woman gets a text to the effect that you are the new Al-Shabaab recruit in town na usiambie mtu. Two weeks later, Apostle Shikhutsu prays for you and glory be to God! you get ‘liberated’ and go back to your woman, forgetting the 1,000 virgins in heaven!

7. Darling, I was kidnapped You get such a message that does not ask for any ransom. You run to the police calling a number that has been dumped into that notorious sewer in Mathare. Then the guy resurfaces after Valentine’s smelling like he’s been wrestling pigs in Ruai, but oh well, we thank God, he’s alive!

8. My cucu’s uncle wants me on his deathbed His grandmother’s uncle, the one you met during the burial of his nephew’s neighbour has called and he’s dying. Of course you don’t want the ghost of a man who wanted your husband for a day haunting your bedroom for life.

9. The governor just called You have been suffering in your bedsitter in Embakasi, chasing a tender in Turkana County. Just before Valentine’s, ‘Babe I have been called by the Governor himself to append my signature’. Of course, that woman wants you to move out to a bigger house and own an automobile so she can take ‘Car Selfies’. 

10 I’m surrounded by hyenas A man with a car can do anything, including feigning a breakdown in the middle of the Mara. And because the nearest animal to his generation’s mind is fisi, he tells you the car is surrounded by marauding by hyenas...and ‘my phone is dying!’

 

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