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To earth's end for love

My Man
 Photo: Courtesy

"Before you jump into a market to compete with the sellers there, make sure you do a market survey and do it well." I am not sorry to see that baby Sori has not mellowed the war-like lady Wanga. Beryl is never meant to be boring.

I have spoken and done surveys with many men about some of these world 'sokos' over the last decade, where Kenyan men want to run off to, so allow me to throw in my two cents or rupiah or ying or zloty on this weighty topic.

Men from Beryl's Bukusu neighbourhood have been known to stampede like baleful bulls towards the bazaar when a bizarre rumour went round that there were Akamba wives there waiting for them. Kenyan men are equally hungry for 'nyama ya jirani.' We were crazy for years about the beautiful but husband-worshiping Baganda woman, someone please say 'oh yes, Ssebo'. Many men dreamed of a woman who would kneel before them as they were served dinner, then play hio kalongo ya pillow.

Cushitic women may look soft and cute, but they can have sharp tongues and tempers that stab like daggers; so sing Michael Jackson's 'Dangerous' as you go forth to engage with the horned women of Africa.

If you are in search of the truly polite lady, then 'Indonesia' is the archipelago for one, complete with gentlemen who do not seem to mind too much about the 'interference', as I gleaned from conversations in a place called Bandung.

German fraulins may be seen as being harsh, but the opposite is true as the women are practical and friendly and can be curious about exotic savages such as the sub-branch officials of the local #TeamHyena and all its salivatory Saccos.

Italian signoritas, on the other hand, are quite a pious lot and I will put this down to their being in the vicinity of the Vatican, at least as I saw it in a view from Venice.

If you go down to Malindi and link up with a geriatric from Genoa, however, that is another story altogether.

Indian women, if you get into that culture through marriage or whatever, can complain quite a bit, all of the time, about everything - but what it boils down to is a clinging need for attention that in the long run can become a little bit unbearable, enough to make a fellow holler 'tarry, marry, fundi!'

Brazilian babes, as anyone who went down to Sao Paolo or whatever for the 2014 World Cup will tell you, are as brazen and bada** as everyone says they are.

If a Kenyan guy really likes white ladies in any serious way, then the best in terms of 'wife material' are cool Canadians, although the madamoiselles of Montreal specifically can be quite the mischievous montage.

American women will leave you fast if you are not careful, but for fun, no one licks a crazy chick from California. Cookies, those.

English women have seen every trick in the book, so they will not put up with your black nonsense - but for a holiday occupation in London, I've heard they aren't awful. I have a kid sis there who gives me these tales about girls of Essex.

As for Russian, Ukrainian, Estonian, Lithuanian and the other beastie babes of Eastern Europe, forget everything, they are worth a sentence in Siberia. Someday, one Saturday, I will tell you the tale of Natasha Lludjmilla... but for now, let me warn you off Nigerian women, man. There story begins like this - 'Once upon a time in Abuja', and ends badly, bu if you want spicy drama like the one your domestic mboch watches weekdays, then a Chibok chick is your woman o o o, your everything.

So, let's talk about Ethiopians, in verse, now that we are well in the month of love?

"I met a mama called Imani from the Trans-Mara. 'Aswa?' she said in her best Swa.

'Did we not meet during the wilder beast immigration in the Mara?'

She said she lived in Daima, Imara, I dismissed her because I don't date missuses, who smell of Bint el Sudan, or Limara.

Besides, I had an empress, Tesfamama, in Ethiopia. Who wrote a text in Amharic: ' I miss you baba, now that I am in Addis Ababa.'"

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