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The truth about long-term dating

Girl Talk
 Photo: Courtesy

The truth about long-term dating

Moses has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for eight years. As much as he feels the need to marry and settle down, he believes he cannot do so because his current job does not guarantee a comfortable life for himself and his family.

He prefers to wait until he gets a better job opportunity then he can consider committing to marriage.

In the meantime, his girlfriend Joyce, feels she has been in the relationship for too long, her biological clock is ticking as she is turning 36 and is insecure.

What if he meets someone else and moves on? Moses still holds on to the engagement ring. Both Moses and Joyce have no doubt that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, but financial security is important to Moses.

Sometimes couples invest years in a relationship without marrying and sometimes a partner has no intention of ever getting married but does not disclose. These couples feel somewhat married, many times they even cohabit without any form of commitment.

Reasons long courtships can be risky

- They may result in boredom and a broken relationship. It is common for them to fall eventually by the wayside

- The relationship moves from dream to drama stages of marriage before they say “I do”.

- They can get personal stagnation, where one is unable to actualize, live their life purpose, exploit their full potential and grow, simply holding on to someone else’s dream.

- Your ability to make independent decisions can be lost, creating a co-dependent relationship.

- You become, vulnerable, insecure and fearful of the possibility of losing your lover.

- A breakup is like a divorce, many find it difficult to move on, living with fear of intimacy, anger and bitterness.

- You feel married but single, and could possibly indulge in a “come we stay relationship” without formalising it.

- Too much investment emotionally and financially sometimes will make one stay in a relationship that obviously will never work out, eventually getting married simply because of the years shared, and signing up for misery.

- Loss and grief in the event of a breakup not only for the lover but the entire family who also invested in the relationship.

Most men remain single because of their desire to achieve set goals, it’s all about actualizing, creating wealth, good education, admirable career path, the need for freedom, independence and may be to experience several girlfriends where possible, sometimes it is fear of intimacy, and responsibility, trust issues or various reasons that hinder their committing, whatever it is, marriage is the last thing that is in his mind.

As long as his goals remain unrealized, marriage is not his priority. And yes, someone said: “Why buy a cow when you get milk free of charge”. If he has all the milk really, it does not make economic sense to invest in the cow! Food for thought.

No one can ever be fully ready for marriage; it is simply about making a decision, and working towards it. Some things will just have to grow alongside the marriage. The length of the dating period does not determine readiness. What is important is the established strength and stability of the relationship.

As long as it is based on friendship, love, respect and mutual understanding, and offers opportunity for growth, the couple can get married any time, as long as they seek the guidance, counsel and blessings from their parents, mentors, and spiritual leaders. The foundation of any good relationship is sincerity and true friendship.

The writer is a Relationship Coach and Author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke

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