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Queer habits and traits of city dwellers when they go to 'Shags'

Lifestyle

Countryside visits

A week to Christmas, transport is always nightmarish. Fares are predictably hiked with the few decent long-distance bus companies booked well into the New Year.

In Kenya, travel and Christmas rituals depend on where one comes from. Whereas folks from Central Kenya would just hop into a matatu and dash to gichagi with no more than a ‘fornication bag’ for the three days they will be away, those from outposts like Busia, Lamu or Marsabit go through a more elaborate ‘ceremony.’

But there is no beating the dramatics of a Western Kenya traveller. Remember the days when they would carry a whole living room on top of an upcountry-bound bus? Then they would make their trip back to the city laden with live chicken and sacks of maize flour.

When they ‘land’ in the village, Nairobians unleash their fancy gadgets and disposable income to impress, sending a loud and clear message to whoever bothers to pay attention that they are exposed urbanites.

Like the returning prodigal son who must spread cash around even though he is just a ‘hustler’ back in Minneapolis, USA, Nairobians spend what they don’t have to justify their ‘elitist’ credentials.

What they don’t know is that the villager never misses a trick and, behind their backs, laughs at the Nairobian’s naivety, annoying habits and unreasonable demands. Here are some of the city dwellers’ queer habits and traits in shags:

1. Chasing after young village girls

Most Nairobi men have a fetish for bashful village lasses who have just cleared Form Four. They will confuse them with two bottles of ‘panty remover’ as they plan to exploit the girls’ innocence in seedy guesthouses that are considered posh by village standards. The girls are wowed with baseless promises to accompany the city men to Nairobi with the assurance of landing lucrative jobs. But no sooner does the girl break news of pregnancy or a sexual infection than the city man vanishes in thin air and cuts all links.

2. Demanding for the best changaa

Nairobians like to create the impression that they are one with the villagers and resort to their pretentious lifestyle that price is indicative of quality. So, they will demand for the best chang’aa and spend Sh1,000 on cheap hooch to get every village drunkard crawling on fours and singing their praises. But the rural folks know very well that the urbanites will sip illicit brew with a feeling of trepidation, fearing that the drink could be spiked to ‘finish’ them.

3. Moving with supplies from the city

Rather than boost the village economy, Nairobians will storm their shags panting under the weight of groceries and other supplies from the city - from match boxes to sodas in plastic bottles. The showy type will even go to the extent of shamelessly asking for Diet Coke or Glenfiddich single malt whisky in village pubs, where the only soft drink people take is Fanta and everybody swears by the potent name of a locally-brewed liquor.

4. Miserly parasites

A Nairobian will arrive home with shopping worth Sh3,000 and leave with maize, banana, vegetables, millet flour, potatoes and other village produce that add up to three times or more the cost of their Sh3,000 grocery. They shamelessly give an aunt Sh200 with an air of such importance, even though the tasty kienyeji kuku she has just served them could easily fetch Sh1,500!

5. Broke and stranded

Some Nairobians make so much merry in the village that come New Year, they are so broke they have to granny to ‘lend’ them bus fare back to the city. The money, of course, is never repaid.

6. On the way coming

There are also Nairobians who take sacco loans and head home to initiate ‘development projects’ over Christmas. Although they are expected to arrive on December 20, they keep telling folks at home ‘niko njiani’ only to pop in on December 27, penniless and looking like rained on chicken, then vanish after half an hour later.

 

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