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How to spot a Nairobian in 'Coasto'

Lifestyle

Mombasa habits

Mombasa tusks along the main Moi avenue in Mombasa County .PHOTO BY MAARUFU MOHAMED/STANDARD

It is the Jamaican crooner, Shinehead, who sung that, I’m an alien; I’m a legal alien,  I’m a Jamaican in New York. And so it is with the Nairobian walking down a Mombasa street during the Christmas holiday. You can tell them a mile off.

Nairobians for some reason imagine that the Mombasa heat will cool down to make way for their grand arrival, but wapi!

So, if you notice harassed fellows pausing along Digo Road, barabara ya leso or Mama Ngina Drive to fan themselves while mumbling “Hii solar jo!,”  bingo! You’ve got yourself a Nairobian.

Here are some of their noticeable traits.

Ati crocs in the ocean!

No trip to the coast is complete without a visit to the beach, and Jomo Kenyatta public beach packs them in like a miraa truck! It is here that you will meet a man who is totally at sea (pun intended), clad in black jeans and in leather shoes holding a jacket.

Nairobi women will meanwhile be marvelling at the expanse of the ocean, punctuating their every sentence with giggles and exclamations: “Awuuuwu...! Is it not dangerous to swim in there with all the crocodiles in the water?!”

Bone collector

While at the beach, the Nairobian cuts the image of an archeologist. He will collect all manner of junk, from sand, algae, shells, to crabs, just to prove to those who remained behind that he was at the coast.  They dread the sea and will splash at the shallow end where they get covered in scum.

How they manage to slip floaters around their pot bellies must be one of the seven wonders of the world!

At Mama Ngina Drive, you can’t mistake the guy perched on those corals as he watches ships sailing into the harbour while munching on kachiri (cassava crisps) and sipping madafu (green coconut juice).

Palm hats and water bottles

Much as Nairobians are good at camouflaging themselves while walking around town, and pretending to be knowledgeable about all things fashion, they are easy to pick out in a crowd

The women will be donning wide miyaa (palm) hats, face-covering sunglasses and swinging a cold bottle of water; while the guys could be seen holding jackets in the evening, having been cultured to expect nippy conditions after sunset in the city.

The man limping ahead of you with Timberland boots over his shoulders and freshly-purchased sandals is also likely to be a Nairobian.

Used to the fast-paced city life, the Nairobian is easily discernible from the laboured attempt to slow down on the streets to walk like kina Amina and Hemedi. This can be quite comical particularly if they had spent the previous night boozing.

Mchele na firau

Only a Nairobian would break a mature coconut, munch on the crunchy white nut and go ahead to swallow the chicha (what remains after the juice is sucked out of the coconut white) to the amusement of the locals - chicha should be spat out as waste. The Nairobian will also visit eateries like Tarboush and Barka, for ‘birihani’ (biryani) and ‘firau’ (pilau), mchele ya mnazi (instead of wali wa nazi).

And just for good measure, Nairobi men would want to try octopus soup to find out if the myth of the its virile enhancement holds any water.

That fake sheng

In order to fit in, a Nairobian will try so hard to sound like a ‘Coastarian,’ and will be heard mouthing phrases like vipi dzamaa?, which serves the opposite purposes of marking him out, since the correct way of saying this is vipi jamaa?

Furthermore, Nairobians get stumped whenever they hear locals talk of “kupandwa na mori,” because their city minds conjure images bordering on bestiality! They are also astounded at the casual manner with which the locals use the word shoga (which means ‘homosexual’).

Domestic tourist

Apart from Fort Jesus, the beaches and Mama Ngina Drive, a Nairobian will demand that his hosts take him to Mtwapa and Bamburi, two areas famous for whoring, in the hunt for a hot local prostitute, only to end up with a mbara woman with a fake coastal twang.

Also, if you find a fellow showing undue interest in stories related to majini and love potions, you will most likely be looking at a Nairobian. And if you find two people clad in shorts fighting in a bar...well, it’s obvious where they come from!

 

 

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