By Millicent Muthoni

Gertrude Mungai has cut her niche as the sex auntie that Kenyans run to when they need help between the sheets. And judging by the response she has ellicited, Kenyans either have defunct sex lives or are curious about anything that has a lurid bent to it.

Whatever the case, Gertrude and other Ssengas may be casting their pearls to swine. And I blame it on Kenyan men.

Getrude may shout herself hoarse but until she convinces the men to change their attitude, she will be flogging a dead horse.

Here’s why: First off, to be able to learn anything, one must be teachable. Granted, Kenyan men are spending their evenings in MBA class, but they are not about to take any lessons on performance in bed.

If you want to lose a Kenyan man, tell him that he should up his game, no pun intended. Kenyan men consider themselves studs. Faced with criticism, he will regale you with success his stories of exes who consider him God’s gift.

Second, Gertrude and her ilk forget that Kenyan men are irredeemably promiscuous. They keep miserable wives and have several sidekicks. Show me a married man without a girlfriend and I’ll show you ED.

It’s just how Kenyan men are — they consider themselves entitled to more than one woman.

They may accompany their wives to church on Sunday but that pious face, like the morning-after pill, is meant to purge their Saturday night indulgences.

So a Kenyan man is not committed to one partner and instead of investing heavily in pleasing one lover, who might need more fanning with time and age, he would rather get an impressionable young thing that will be mesmerised by his old tricks.

And here we are, Kenyan women, learning hot tips from Gertrude, only to find the bed empty and cold—a lab with no equipment with which to conduct our experiments.

Why do women consider themselves responsible for men’s happinness? Women are always looking for better, kinkier ways to turn on the men. Meanwhile, the men are out gallivanting and hopping from one conquered battle to the next.

Thirdly, most Kenyan men only have sex when drunk. That may well be because they are drunk every evening, thanks to the out-with-the-boys craze.

Drunken sex is wild, not creative. An inebriated man, if he stays up at all, pun intended, will not be thinking about a new kissing technique or how to tweak her little toe.

He will not be thinking of what the woman’s needs are. All he cares about is that he comes out on top, looks like the hero and rolls over into a snorry slumber after huffing his way into a comma.

Gertrude advises that women invest in body image — some musky perfume that appeals to the male’s animal instinct, some lacy or satin negligee and even some bedroom heels for that shot of confidence.

But fancy sprucing yourself up for a man whose main preoccupation is the million shilling tender he is applying for.

When the hustler flops on the bed, fatigued and sweaty, the last thing on his mind is a drawn-out foreplay session complete with candle light. And the next thing on your mind is "Let’s just get it over with!"