Hey, hayterz n haymakers

Chiquitta’s ole man passed on this week, so I wancha all to keep the darlin’ lasski in ya hearts, this week. She waz also a lil chicken las’ week wen she wrote this luvly ‘Gal in the Hood’ abt all the local celebz who are ‘keepin it real,’ n I went, aye, watt about all the stars who ain’t keepin’ it effin’ real, how are Pulse readers gonna knw about these screw-ballz?

Then I remembered, thaz watt the Smittz is there for right. To swing haymakers on ‘em all like a hood hayter, right. Yu donna watt a haymaker is, I’ll ticha englich.

It’s a ‘forceful blow or punch.’ Yu can also use tha alternatives ter haymaking, like, whack, sock, thwack, wallop, belt or biff — n thaz watt we gonna do today. So yu can play Green-Day’s 21 Guns ( ‘Yu’re in ruins, one, 21 guns, lay down your arms, lift em up to the skies) as I whip out ma pistols n fire tweenny one shots into 21 Celebz.

Hey: Hey hey, Antoine Hey, how many footer federations yu conned today?

Yez. Hey is the biggest d**k in Afrikan sports ever since Berg back in 1987 convinced Minister Kosgey to give him meter, thn fled. This German has ne’er successfully coached e’en one team to any sorta success in Africa. Waz he donated to Premier Rai-ra as part of nooclear waste from a radio-active garbage dump in Leipzig?

Anyways, Stars made us proud on Sato wit their show against Naija-o. We didn’t need Hey, so sack this sucker, n put in a footer Kanjo o’ coaches.

Alai: I’m fed up of Robert Alai n dat virus he runs in the name of google-group calld ‘Bidii-Afrika.’ Like a cancer, it appears n disappears on one’s yahoo — n Alai, who no doubt has fantasies dat his daft, unfocussed spam-group will make him power or rich is happy to force spam on us.Dizgustin’!!

Abbas: Yenyewe, sometimes even a Kubaff has to be serious. Abbas is, no doubt, a genius hip-hopper. But he’s a no-hoper wen it comes 2 romantik commitment. I mean, this is a dude who got married, broke up after nine months, his x-wifey has scaterred, n he don’t give two s**ts, for real. Even Praimo schul shudren take puppy-love mo’ seriously thn Abbas does marriage, he heh.

Bamboo: For as long as we live, whether he be in ATL n I be in Nai, I’ll always biff Bamboo, n he’ll always have beef wit me. Itz not like Debbie Asili wit whom we long (din’t kiss)but made up. I even want a piece of Kimya — ter keep tha beef familysides.

Black Diamond: Its got great bouncers n a great outdoors, the only probbie iz the waitering folk who still seem mesmerised by wazungus (wake up, its oh-nine n we gotta new constitution, ya not natives in forte nine under colonialism)!! Rezorus rockxa.

Cess: Lez face it. We loved Cess for her excesses, n wen she went off-air, we missed her lots. N now she back, n we wanna thank DJ CK fer bringing our Cess back to us. To Cess, I wanna dedicate Lady Gaga to ya — ‘‘I’m ur biggest fan, I’ll chase yu down, until yu luv me, ya pa-pa-paparazzi!’).

Emily C: Remember Emily C? She waz this loaded no-talent ga-lady who checked in from Australia, for like a minit, tole Kinyans she waz gonna work with Janet (Jackson) soon, then disappeared like a by-blowing monsoon, gone anon.

Meg C: Remember Meg C? She waz the chicka whose young star waz shining brighter than STL — for all ov two songz — before some mohindi man convinced her to go wit him n have babies in South C. Now they split, n Meg C is lookin’ rather random. Wen yu git hitched young n pretty, tis better to chill like Roba’s Shambi. But Meg C can make a come-back — either as ‘Meg D’ (short for Megdalina). Or Meg C, Reloaded!

Fundi Frank & Brenda Mos Mos: Fundi is my fyam friend, but marafiki ni kuambiana ukweli. By now, Fundi should be a millionaire designer, insteada thousandnaire tailor.

N Brenda shoulda been where Amani is now (although I still gotta tell me pal Amani to stop chewing gum durin’ TV interviews. Fergie can get away wit his mogoka, but chu, Amani, are no longer a night-club singer in Karatina).

Habida: Okay, so she’z burzt inta the star scene like sunshine on a gray Thursday, lakini we paparazzi wa Nairobi hatupendi kudanganywa danganywa. Gwani tunagaa falafala? Only Amani is kubalishwad to give us the chwaa about her boyfees. N only Nikki, nice n fantastique woman, is allowed to remain a mystery. For all else, full disclosure. So Habida, uta-tu-show watt yu were doan in the UK n US for over ten years, sawas?

Harry K: I got no probbie with alcohol. Me n vodoski get on very well, heh heh! I can afford to crack such jokes, Harry Kimani can’t. Nuff said.

Jua Cali: Jua Cali ni jamaa mpoa, zamani alikuwa amesota, siku hizi ameosa, lakini bado, jo, kizungu yake ime-oza. AD: ‘I gives twichon ony Engrich grasses’!!

Kui: Kui, the Homeboyz’ babe, is ma home-gal. We bonded durin’ the Smirnoff experience wit wakina CEO n Julianna Kago ( 2010- me vodo spott-o) in Coast-o.

Lakini, lately, Kui amekuwa ka-groupskie sana. N I ain’t sure whose grupski she is.

Nice G: Nice used-ta be a nice gal. Until she got busted shop-liftin’ 7 K cosmetics in a Westie mall las’ week. Now Nice is a bad, bad gal. but I am Santa Smitta. Ka niku-sota mpaka ume-resort to shop liftin,’ I can sort yu out wit deodrant o’er X-Mas. A ka-Yu, hivi, ama aje?

Pinye: Pinched, pusillanimous (hata mimi sijui hiyo word ina mean nini) n generally grumpy (or is it only to the ‘media-eye’ heh heh) I’ve tried to penda Pinye but ni ngumu sana. Anna thang –— at his age, it is un-African to be unmarried!!

CMB Prezzo: People like sayin’ how down-2-earth Mr. Prezzo is, lakini ka yeye ako ‘chini ya ardhi,’ how come sijawahi kum-cheki in anything other than a Beamer or other heavy-hitter? Nxt week, Prezzo, to show dat you’re ‘chini ya ardhi’ I dare ya to ride a ma-3 wiki moja ka hivi.

QFM!: Hiyo muzik mix ni nini? Hawayu? Watt waz ‘hat??

Real Solo: We hebu go slow on the dudettes yu leave for us summa dat kachumbari, me boy, he he he.

TBK: A long tyme ago, we usedta beef wit Clay, the writer, but he was a worthy opponent. Now dere’s a wanna-be we call TuBerclosis (o) Kenya aroun’ these sides, some imitator who tryin’ too-oo hard to be on the sociology scene plus runnin’ around like a headless chicken (or a dood who juzz finished Form 4 n started drinkin’ White Cap Dry) in the name of ‘being seen.’ It’s the Scene-At, nucca.

TV Galz: I won’t mention which, or on watt channel, but if ya are a TV dudette n donno nada about tha Constitution, ah ah, I’d advise ya ta keep dat lipstick trappa shut — so yu don blow bubbles n look like Airhead, re-loaded.

It juzz occurred ta me dat I may be da bijjest hayter in da showbiscuit circuit, but dat watt I get cheddar for – to punch em like I’m Manny Pacquiao, n throw ‘em haymakers like Floyd Mayweather.

 

 

Read all about: Smitta

 

 

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