By Nyambura Maina

My wife and I separated six months ago after she found out I had an affair. I was remorseful and pleaded with her to forgive me to no avail. Life without my family is miserable.

My friends envy me for going back to living like a bachelor and tell me that I should be enjoying my freedom. I am finding it very difficult to cope. How do I get back my wife and family again?

Adam, M

Rebuilding trust is a difficult undertaking. It is almost impossible to put things back to the way they were. Commitment, patience and determination are needed if you are to make headway.

Do not handle the situation in a ‘quick-fix’ way. The betrayal that your wife feels does not allow her to see beyond your mistake and she, therefore, finds it hard to forgive and forget. The ordeal is still fresh in her mind and she will need time to stop seething.

Infidelity is a major contributing factor to failed marriages. The fact that infidelity is so rampant in our society today does not mean that it is any less painful for the betrayed spouse.

In a monogamous marriage where partners have vowed to stay together exclusively, it comes as a spiteful shock when an unfaithful spouse is discovered.

The bond that holds the couple together is jeopardised and it is an uphill task to heal such a wound.

You have accepted responsibility for your unfaithfulness and have shown that you are sorry for your mistake.

You have apologised for your moment of weakness that led you to take actions that threatened your marriage.

To be convinced that you have changed, your wife needs to know that you will not have any other moments of weakness and that you are completely committed to her and the children.

She will also need reassurance that she is capable of meeting all your needs. If she accepts you back, she may still harbour doubts in her mind for a while and you will need to be an open book, keeping her informed constantly of your movements and whereabouts.

At present, communication channels between you and your wife are strained. When her anger and heartache have subsided, work on restoring it again.

It is very important that you both talk over this issue and not brush it under the carpet. Feelings need to be expressed (especially the unpleasant and inflamed ones) and it is up to you to provide a conducive atmosphere for doing so.

It will help to clear the air before taking steps to rebuild your bond. Also consider seeing a marriage counsellor to help you work out the tough bits.

Common counsel

Once bitten, twice shy

When you were busy having the affair and enjoying yourself, you never thought of the consequences. You thought that you would not get caught or that if you did that your wife would quickly forgive you.

This is the height of arrogance in men – thinking they can do what they want, hurt people and get away with it.

Your wife knows that if she gives you a second chance you will go out and have more affairs. If she is wise she will stick to her guns and keep you out of her life.

Dina, 43

Unsound advice

Convince her to take you back for the sake of the children. It is not right for the children to grow up without their father, when you are still alive.

Likewise a man is not a man without his family. Forget what your friends are telling you. If you were to ask them to trade places with you, none of them would actually do so.

Pius, K.

Grass is greener

It is human to err and infidelity is a mistake that many men make. We convince ourselves that the grass is greener on the other side only to get there and wish for what we had in the first place.

Nobody is perfect and your wife should realise she married an imperfect man. Be that as it may, having an imperfect spouse should not automatically spell disaster for your marriage.

Be honest with yourself and look at what led you to have an affair. If it was boredom, be proactive in your marriage and look for ways to spice things up. If indeed you are remorseful, then show your wife that you have accepted full responsibility for the affair. Do not let her blame herself over your infidelity.

Reuben, W.

Give her space

Women with husbands who stray can forgive a cheating husband with time. But first understand that before that forgiveness comes you have to show that your wandering eyes are no longer roving but fixed only on her and the children. Unfaithfulness makes a woman question her very essence. She feels unattractive and loses her self-confidence. Before she forgives she has to feel good about herself once again, so pay her compliments whenever you get the chance. Also allow her to get over the hurt and anger she feels by giving her the space she needs to get over it.

Mrs Ndege

Selective amnesia

Put yourself in her shoes. If it were you who was betrayed how forgiving would you be? Men cannot forgive cheating spouses but when it is them who commit adultery they expect their wives to have selective amnesia and forgive and forget. This is not fair. You have made the mistake so do not pressure her into forgiving you. Let her do it out of her own will and at her own time. In the meantime pray for God’s help.

Jamilla, 29

Commonplace deed

Demand what is rightfully yours. Your children and your wife belong to you and nothing else needs to be discussed. In decades past having another woman was commonplace and did not threaten the marriage. Women those days overlooked their husband’s indiscretions because they knew that it was normal for a man to get satisfaction elsewhere. In my view you should never have moved out of home because that is like admitting guilt. Go back home and behave like the head of the house. Do not let your mali (belongings) become another man’s responsibility.

Waihenya, R.