By Tony M

In all the fire and fury over the civil partnership of cute Chege and ‘manly’ Mister Gichina in the UK, a little big matter seems to have been forgotten, In the true Kenyan way.

Last week it was the vainglorious Kalonzo’s 3K formula that fed the headlines. This week, it was all the fuss over UK and his parliament Passats. This too shall pass, when Ocampo gets here next week and the Hague debate, now vague, will be back in vogue – from State House to Campo.

So when the anti-gay camp rolled into town, everyone jumped on it — and under the wagon’s wheels squashed the really important social debate — the one about under-age girls having sex for small favours.

Just in case you thought it was just in poor rural-ish Kenya where this happens, here’s a shocker. Young teens, even 12-year-olds, are exchanging sexual favours with men as old as 50 for things like cell phones. The teens call it ‘compensated dating,’ yet Hong Kong is the most expensive metropolis on the planet, so these are the daughters of rather affluent denizens. Something just does not add up.

But why do men go for these little ‘ndogo ndogos’ as our White Cap swilling fathers used to call them, back in the day? Maybe there’s a case to be made for dating small girls — (not under-age ones, because I deeply believe paedophiles deserve not just incaceration but castration) — and I may possibly be the only ‘man enough’ columnist brave/ stupid enough to candidly comment on the issue. So go ahead, lady, whip out that dagger from your stiletto and make your day. I’ll still have my honest day this Saturday.

One advantage of dating a ‘chips funga’ is that they really can be bought ‘chips funga’ for supper at a Red Robin’s up on Chip Street, and then be happily send on their way. With proper women, for example, uppity bachelorettes in their 30s, the least one can do to impress is red wine and dine in a fine restaurant.

Hong Kong girls may want cell phones from their older dates, all that our youngsters want is to be sambaziwad some airtime so that they can exchange silly, girlish chit-chat with their pals. Now airtime, if you are an older working feller, is not a problem. But buying a Vitz for a 30-something witch? Problem!

You may be one of those unfortunate men who had to take his high maintenance older damsel out of town on Moi Day weekend and the weekend before Kenyatta Day. It is only sukuma wiki that has seen you through the last ten days to today, woiye. Now, these young lasses, all they want when they say ‘take me out’ is to go to some noisy club, drink a couple of Black Ices, and black out. Nice! And easy on the wallet, mate.

Sex, from a woman whose biological clock is in full flow, is not a fun fling. Often, it is a loaded card game of bedroom Vegas, where the wench may have plans for the man that have little to do with pleasure – like getting a baby. With the ndogos, what you get is what you get. They cannot afford the baby. Why do you think ‘Morning After’ is such a huge hit among the early 20s age set?

It would be remiss if we did not mention that all these young lasses want is just pocket money. You cannot give ‘pock-ke’ to a grown woman. Those broads want joint bank accounts (yours and hers) while squirreling their own funds to secret accounts in the near inner-abroad. Me-ba.

They may also expect you to pay rent in Kileleshwa or some swanky neighbourhood for their favours. If you are in marriages, and doing well, the question of mortgages will crop up — not like crops, but weeds all over.

With the little lady, the most she expects is to be paid for a ka-SQ somewhere, usually in the four-figure rent range, even if you drive a Range. It is only in their mid 20s that most start getting ambitious, then Trouble is them.

Ahem, finally, when you are with a ‘better half’ sort of woman, you may get the respect of your peers, but not the laughs. Love brings a gravity of occasion. And who wants solemnity during Saturday afternoon soccer at the bar? With a ‘mpango’ you and your buddies can ignore all pretensions at manners – and hoot rude, lewd and really crude.

Now, kindly remove that dagger from my chest, lady. It kind of hurts.