By Zawadi Lompisha

I dedicate my article this week to a friend who has recently had her first baby. I bet they do not have enough words in their vocabulary to explain how happy they feel.

As I congratulate them, I also take this opportunity to share with them a few things my husband and I went through with our first-born and, hopefully, they do not have to reinvent the wheel.

My first day in the delivery room was a mixture of elation and trepidation. I had read all I could, but I guess theory never quite prepares you for the real thing. My labour went well and I foggily heard my husband exclaiming "We have a girl!".

Our daughter was crying her lungs out and continued bawling as she was cleaned, weighed and wrapped. What happened next will forever be a cherished moment for me.

The nurse brought my daughter to me and as soon as she was placed in my arms, she instantly stopped crying and turned her face towards me. I was overwhelmed by the soothing effect I had on her and she was soon latched onto my breast.

At that moment, nothing and no one could have come between the two of us. When I say no one, I mean not even my husband. At that point the two of us became three. To my friend and a new mother, this is where it all starts.

The wife has now become a mother and her nurturing instinct kicks in.

She will so easily exclude all others, including her husband — never mind that he is the father. I couldn’t help my instant metamorphosis and over the years, there has been a delicate balancing act between mother and wife.

It didn’t take us an hour at home to realise that life would not be the same. The third party in the equation was not to be ignored. She slept away most of the day, but that didn’t mean we could go on with life as usual. Being new parents, we spent quite a lot of time checking on her — was she breathing? Was she warm enough?

My husband’s preoccupation was whether the mosquito net was covering her cot well enough and if there were any insects that had managed to crawl into the cot and put the baby’s life in mortal danger.

For me, recovering from labour and delivery was, in itself, a full time job.

That had to happen as I breast-fed her and I found myself in need of sleep like never before. The routine feeding of the baby took some time to get accustomed to.

Night duty was difficult for my husband, whose duty was to wake up, pick the baby from her cot and bring her to me to breast-fed.

He still had to go to work and soon, he was one exhausted father.

Need I tell you that romantic activity between us had gone on holiday? Of course, there’s the initial period after birth when sex is prohibited in order for the mother to recover. Many new parents, read first time fathers, meet this revelation with total shock.

The last weeks of the pregnancy are too tiring for the wife and she will not be in a position to groove. The poor husband has to bear and grin, gritting his teeth.

What many a husband does not know is that the birth of the baby is not the end of this abstinence wilderness. It goes on until the gynaecologist gives the all clear.

My husband confesses that this was one of the most trying times for him as the total ‘abstinence’ period for us ended up being three months because I took longer to recover. When my doctor finally gave us the green light, nothing much changed because we found ourselves too tired anyway.

For a while, we had turned into roommates and not lovers.

My advice to new parents is to keep talking through the whole period.

My husband and I found great solace in being able to communicate our frustrations during this period and in reassuring each other that it would soon be over.

I remember a girlfriend of mine telling me to always remember that despite being tired and disinterested in sex, I needed to bear in mind my responsibility to my husband in this regard and make it possible sooner than later.

That was wise and timely advice that I want to pass on to my friend today.

As the months drew on and our baby became more independent. Life got better in the bedroom. However, once a husband and wife become parents, their work is never done.

Many are the times when they will have to balance between the two of them and the children.

But the more you take care of the two of you, the better the parents you become.