By Brenda Kageni

The roles and definitions of what makes a woman can feel confusing in contemporary society. Ms Adah Adoyo shares her story candidly in her book She Shall Be Called Woman.

Mother, teacher, preacher and well-loved radio personality Adah Adoyo, in her new book She Shall be Called Woman, sets out on a journey to share her life — from a young woman, to a young wife, mother, career woman, bishop’s wife, and now middle-aged woman — to help women redefine and understand their roles in family and society and to encourage them to take their rightful place and appropriately play their roles.

Ms Adah Adoyo says women should take their rightful place in society.

"I want to encourage women to know that they are not second rate, they have a contribution to society that men can’t give."

Ms Adoyo shares her struggles, fears, heartaches and shortcomings candidly, and there are many vital lessons to learn and connect with for Kenyan and African women who desire success in every aspect of their life, who will easily identify with the settings in the book.

She always wanted to write a book. But it was not until last year while at a book launch where she had been asked to speak briefly that she mentioned the desire. The publisher took her up and challenged her to write. In June, that journey ended when her book was published.

Adoyo tackles many issues in the book, from parenting, to being a woman of excellence in relationships, avoiding being a liability to one’s children, reconciling urban with rural life, making ends meet with the family budget, ageing gracefully, to keeping passion alive in the marriage bed, and prioritising so that family life doesn’t suffer.

These are every woman’s struggles, young or old. For instance, she shares how growing up in the 70s was when she was under extreme pressure to be in a relationship while in college so as not to be forever doomed to spinsterhood.

She then shares the heart breaking period she went through after losing two children at birth and dealing with feelings of bitterness, shame and failure that brought her to the realisation that bearing children was not automatic because one is married and born again. Adoyo encourages women to embrace all the support that comes their way, to seek out their husbands during such traumatic periods and use the experience to draw closer.

"When a woman loses a child, she will tend to focus on her own pain, forgetting that of the man. Men grieve, too, when they lose a child. As you try to find your way out of your maze of pain, don’t forget that your husband is struggling to deal with the loss as well. Such experiences can bring you closer if you turn to each other for comfort," she says.

Like many other women, Adoyo, too, struggled with the self-defeating fear of comparing herself to others — and as always she came up short.

"I have since learnt that wealth or the lack of it is all in the mind, if you think less of yourself, you will always have less than you deserve," she writes.

Today, adequately balancing the roles of wife, mother and career woman is every woman’s struggle. Adoyo points out that there is nothing wrong with pursuing a career while still maintaining a marriage and family. But she notes that pursuing careers seems to be robbing women of their family time, leaving the family feeling neglected. And with the increasing pressure to be so much for everyone, there is a general feeling of being alone in the world and overburdened by a load that should be shared.

"Today we are having a crop of women who are doing so much while the men are left to watch," she says. "Look around and you will see the number of women in senior positions in the corporate world, government and other bodies. The same women are good wives, good mothers and dependable daughters and friends. Women are multi-faceted and are capable of scaling astonishing heights."

She, however, notes that this ability can be a woman’s main source of unhappiness.

"We are so good at taking care of the family that we have rendered our husbands and brothers redundant. We find ourselves unconsciously doing everything while our husbands sit back because we seem capable of doing everything."

Adah Adoyo’s book She Shall be Called Woman

While acknowledging the changing home front, Adoyo encourages women to embrace their role in the home, to gladly serve and take ‘orders’ instead.

"From my experiences and talking to other women, if your family life is happy and successful, your professional life is likely to be a success too. Your family gives you the platform to either go out and rule the world or not," she writes.

On parenting, Adoyo is resolute that women can give the first five years to their children and still pick up their career.

"I know many women worry about age, and being passed by promotion opportunities, but it is your career, no one can take it away from you. And look at what you will have gained."

Even understanding today’s economic times that require both parents to hold day-long jobs, she finds it heartbreaking that many parents are leaving the responsibility of raising their children to house-helps.

"We’re busy making money, we neglect another important role, perhaps the most important — that of being parents."

To be with her children, Adoyo sought a transfer from the high school where she taught to the primary school where her children were learning. When they graduated, she resumed teaching in high school.

"When they were older, we decided not to have house helps. We worked together in the kitchen and this way, they learnt how to cook and wash dishes. Spending as much time with them during their formative years drew us close and allowed me to be a hands on mother."

Parenting isn’t always easy and she had to learn to be more tolerant and accepting of their children as they were, even when their school performance fell below her expectations.

Adoyo encourages parents to avoid sheltering their children, but instead expose them to what lies beyond the protective, often deceptive walls of their home, beyond the organised and charmed life that is the city.

"Spending time in the rural area helped balance our children’s mindset and exposed them to a different worldview from the one they were used to," she says.

She adds: "Over the years, I have leant to be an asset and not a liability, to be a window of fresh air, to lighten the burden and not to make it heavier, whether for my family or for others around me."

Adoyo warns against relinquishing all say in the home to the house help. She instead encourages setting standards and always being on top of how things are run within the home.

"My policy has always been to demonstrate that I can do everything myself. Be in charge; be in control."

She, however, warns against the feeling of independence, of thinking that one can run the family alone.

She concludes: "The career woman looks in control and on top of things, but there are many tears she sheds. Pursue what your heart tells you, but be sensitive to your family and your colleagues. When you are young and making it, a sense of arrogance and a slack of sensitivity can creep in and you find yourself being loud about it. That doesn’t work very well as you get older. Pursue by all means, but be sensitive."