By Nyambura Maina

I have been married for four years now and I have two children. I broke off my engagement to my ex because she was too clingy and possessive. She claims that she is still the woman for me and that I should stop wasting time with my wife.

 Sometimes she calls and hangs up and always hides her caller ID. She has become a nuisance to my family and myself. I am tired of her constant harassment and, unfortunately, it has become a source of conflict between my wife and I. How do I get it through to her once and for all that we are over?

Wamae, J.

Your ex is one of those people who don’t take No for an answer. To her, it is unthinkable that you would reject her. Facing the reality that you have long since moved on is not possible for her to do. This is a typical case of the ‘ex from hell’ where an ex lover or spouse refuses to let go and uses harassment and other methods in order to get back the love that’s been lost, even if it proves fatal.

In many cases, the ex-partner tends to explain or justify why they chose to end the relationship. Sadly for individuals like your ex, trying to explain why you broke things off only serves to encourage her further. She will look for ways to make things right so that you can take her back. For example, if you mention to her that you found her possessive, she will tell you that she can change if you just give her a second chance and blame your looking at other women for her possessiveness. In other words, she will refuse to take responsibility for her actions and twist things around so that you bear the blame for your separation.

Her reality is a distorted one and that is why she tells you that you are wasting time with your wife and family. It is usually futile to try and convince such a person to see things differently. Make sure you stop all contact with her. If you make time to meet her, she is likely to misconstrue even something as simple as a handshake as a chance for a comeback. In the same breath, do not give her any ambiguous messages that she could misread as encouragement on your part. Your source of conflict with your wife probably stems from this.

If at all she takes to threatening you or your family, it is important to alert the police and others of the potential for danger.

I once dated a girl with the similar tendencies as your ex. She was eager to please me and, in the beginning, I greatly enjoyed the nice treat. With time, however, it became suffocating and she even cut off her own social life so as to be at my beck and call when I needed her. Her pampering became like poison to me because I knew it came at a price. I began planning my exit strategy. I became nasty to her but this seemed counterproductive because she would just try even harder to please me. Finally, I was forced to throw her and her belongings out. For two years she would follow me when driving, attend functions that she knew I would attend, called my close relatives and friends to keep tabs on me and would also call and hang up when I spoke. I don’t know what made her give up, but she finally did and now I enjoy the peace.

James, W.

That obsession is unhealthy. She could be driven to take even more drastic measures such as suicide to win back your love. You need to help her because she is not psychologically stable. Get someone in her family to talk to her and get her to see a professional counsellor.

Betty, 29

Alien behaviour

Your ex reminds me of my classmate in college. When she was dumped by her boyfriend of a few months, she became depressed and would skip classes. She went to the extent of stealing her ex’s clothes from the line and keeping them for herself. She would sleep in his T-shirts or shorts just to remind herself of his scent. She said she didn’t know how to love in small doses and that’s why she gave 110 per cent.

This behaviour was alien to me and I pitied her. She later went abroad for further studies and I hear she got married there. Get someone your ex trusts such as her best friend to encourage her to move on. Otherwise she will waste her time as you are now a married man with a family to raise. She should know she has no chance with you.

Sharon, 32