Unlucky number 13

By Smitta Smitten

It's the first black Fridae of the year. Y'know watt that means? It meanz yur gonna have a not verrryy nice day, n feel like a burst sewer pipe in Kayole by mid-day.

Me too! So lez take a sneaky peek at 13 ‘unlucky’ celebz who ain’t likely to have a good 2012, usin’ the past as a yardstick. Me colleague Muli tellz me I got a similarity to da Grim Reaper. Dat I take a certain ‘grim satisfacion’ in me work. Grim? Who sed anything about ‘grim’?

Chiquitta is closer to the coffin wen she sez this boffin juzt enjoys havin’ hayters n on FB, checxing out how long it takes to get ‘unfwended’ by whichever woose whose case I’ve gotten on. Like herpes, once imma inna scrotumski, I am 4ever. Not e’en penicillin can gitusout.

Prezzo

I know, I know, I spared the dude the other day wen I waz all o’er losers like Tim Njiru like s**t all o’er the panye of an al Shaabab in Badda-wherever wen they hear the ‘chop chgop chichop’ of a Kenya Army hell-i-bringer copter. Thaz coz I like Jackson Ngechu. Or coz I like ter keep sumthin’ stored in the pantry, fresh to beat, wen the caning strikes.

But, rily, Prezzo juzz hads badsluck dat 4llows him around, like a strip o chw gum stuck to his boot. Wazn’t there some dee-force case momsilla from State-side who kicked le bucket, 4 shore for shizzo? Isn’t his current chicka Joy the same one who had a cleaned out Strano after they got estranged, for shore 4 shizzo?? I certainly wudn’t be havin’ a ‘Joy’ salad after all the sad storoz involving her past boyfees, for shore for shizzo.

If Jaguar’s Kigeugeu gets the nod as a campaign song, 4 shore Prezzo\s come-back will be bigly over-shadowed, thaz for shore. N yu can take it 2 the bank, for shizzo ma nizzo ( who apart from me, Prezzo n one other retarded rapper in Alabama stkl vibe like dat)?

Sheilaski Kwambox

I knw her folks will ‘nyamichaba’ me 4 this. N I’ll have to take circuitous routes in the hood to avoid the ma-french fry ( manjeve) thioke they run in the esto, but I gotta say Kwambox has as much chance of conquesting Naijja-land as a beat-up Probox has of winnin’ the on-goin’ Paris Dakar rally, twente twelof.

Klepto Roba

Wattever happened to our boy, Roba, of Klepto? Why doth his luck cut o low? Watt happened to the dream? How come in our social short circuites ( btw, wapi Circuite, na aliacha plonyo za manjeve??) one will alwez run into Collo, but ne’er into Roba of Klepto? Did his star vanisheth into the dark Western sky, wen Nyashinski disappeared there 2 go n hawk curios