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Gentlemen, you can't 'buy' a woman.

Relationships
 Photo; Courtesy

When I was very young and in that ‘in-between-school-and-college’ period about 20 years ago, I fell deeply into infatuation with a girl, my friend *Len, nicknamed ‘Sue Bae’ (in what must be visionary in as far as monikers go).

Sue Bae, in my world, was the very model of sophistication. She was shapely, with a sweet smile and sexy eyes, worked (as a receptionist) at Wilson Airport and was ‘worldly wise’ aka five years older than I.

I was absolutely smitten, and since in those days I was also an entrepreneur (computer software) alongside my techno-savvy high school mates (and we wanted to be local Billies Gates), I had resources to pamper Sue Bae.

Dinners, cabs, dresses, designer scents, cinema dates – I wooed her as I had seen in the movies. Throw in love letters and personal poems, and call me the Fresh Prince of Romance. I had it made.

The thing, though, was Sue Bae kissed and coddled with me, and said she was scared of sex, and I was cool with that. Then on her 25th birthday, a party I’d financed, she got drunk and went off with my pal, Len, then in his early 30s and slept in his house.

 Worse still, she slept with him. And he bragged to me how sweet that honey pot was. I felt like a schmuck and broke up with Sue Bae that long-ago August.

I had learned two lessons from our New Year’s Day to mid-August ‘affair.’ One – if you spend money meant for business on your ‘bae,’ you will soon go bust!

Secondly – never fall in love with a girl called Sue. I am telling you this because, lately, we have been reading a lot of tragic tales about relationships.

Violence among couples is increasing to fatal levels in our society because some foolish men are investing everything, some even going as far as taking out loans, in a bid to win, nay, BUY, the affections of women they are enamored of. Yet, and take this to the bank, you cannot buy the HEART of a woman.

Money will not make her feel ‘butterflies’ for you, or look at you with doe eyes. The bargain you will get, at best, is a woman who becomes fond of you and gives you sex without too much stress. That’s the pig you get from the market.

So here’s a list of things not to get her, unless she’s your wife. It may save you some jail time.

School fees: Don’t take out a loan to send your young ‘mpango wa kando’ to college, imagining she will be your wife. If she’s wise, she will link up with a bright young man there, and you will be out in the cold; or else a cuckold.

And by the way, these days, only the poor go to church to seek ‘comfort’ when the home-front becomes a battlefront. Smart women go to get an MBA! And maybe meet up and mate with their new classmate.

 

Capital: If you open her a business, make it something like a salon and not a cyber café or off-license Wines-&-Spirits saloon. At worst, the salon will just make her a bigger gossip than she already is.

At the saloon though, she will just get to meet that one fake drunk super-focused on her. And, eventually, cheat on you.

Asset finance: Then buying her a Vitz is so-oo 2011! Little cars just give your mistress more mobility, to your eventual distress. She will say she is going for a ‘chama’ weekend retreat.

Yet the only people who go on real retreats are monks, writers, cancer scientists and armies facing imminent defeat.

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