Sweetie, this is how I love my sex served- Men open up on what drives them crazy in bed

Studies have been done over the years on how men can satisfy women in bed.

Few care about the man and how he too wants his sex served.

Okay, coastal communities have tried and some Baganda across the border too have their ways of ensuring their men practice ‘zero grazing,’ but by and large, it has been assumed that the mere thought of having a romp is foreplay enough for the man!

The Nairobian explored this subject and interviewed men on what they don’t want their women to do in the bedroom during a session of huffing and puffing (and sometimes during a cancer stick break).

Let’s get the show on the road, shall we?

Miss Dracula, don’t bite please

Oral sex has become part of bedroom antics. Some men love it, but most dread it due to that not so small matter of having had a session with Miss Dracula.

“Her canines were so sharp, it felt like ‘Long John Silver’ was being placed in between a meat grinder. The pain was too much. I had to tell her to stop,” Eric Mukira, an accountant told The Nairobian.

Chick, those ‘nuts’ are sensitive Women have this misplaced belief that if they pull with their nails at the double nuts, the ‘rapture’ will be accelerated at the speed of light.

Yet, the twin balls, and for which there are no spare parts, are very sensitive and should be given the same treatment accorded a cow’s tits during milking with Arimis jelly!

Clueless lasses

Men like it when their women are part of the process. It gives them a good feeling when sane suggestions, the kind the Pope can approve of, are floated as few things pleases a jamaa more than knowing the woman is having fun, without agreeing to anything and everything like one who has been hypnotised by a voodoo high priest from Haiti.

‘Kufa mende’ chicks

Just like the clueless women, men dread it when a woman is on spreadsheet mode, dead like a fish on the cold shores of Winam Gulf. They are called the kufa mende women, as their posture not unlike that of a dead kombamwiko, even though her big brown eyes (which have seen plenty in Githurai 45) are wide open.

Leave my ‘udongo’ alone

Some men are tickled silly, aroused even when a woman finger plays around his udongo, but please, remain on the surface as it’s not a well-digging project you’re embarking on. What if the long finger nail with chipped polish breaks inside?

Don’t wake up the hood

A ‘sound track’ is fine, but it should be real. Fake groaning like an ageing tipper ferrying timber from Mau Summit is a complete turn off. Too much decibel is for ‘night nurses’ out to make sure you think your pay is worth it. And while at it, please don’t wake up the neighbours, more so the one upstairs who suffers from insomnia.

Maswali mingi kwani wewe ni polisi?

Asking questions during a ‘field event’ like whether you’re loved, whether the man is over the ex-file or if you’re doing alright and better than the other women he has had are enough to kill the psyche, and get ‘Johnny’ all limp. The only appropriate question would be: “Now that we have had it, will you leave me?”

Pay my rent, woiyee! Some men interviewed for this piece say they go yoyo when a woman demands for money, before, or during ‘bedminton.’ Asking whether the dude has Sh20,000 to top up on your rent arrears of since Easter is being Sister Killjoy.

Faking it, until he doesn’t make it

If you fake it, he will think he’s good and continue short-changing you in the ensuing vicious cycle of a ‘satisfied’ man, and an unfulfilled woman still smarting from sessions of pepo ya ngono. Soon, scorn and bitterness seeps into the relationship. Tell him how to satisfy you. It will slightly prick his ego, but all will be well with the world.

Kung Fu Panda Some like being bitten and scratched, others have very little tolerance for pain. Leaving your man’s back looking like one that has been worked on by a nyahunyo-happy Roman centurion during the crucifixion might not be his idea of midnight fun.

Mind your weight, ‘momo’ A 120-kilo momo of a woman should use her hands to take off some of the weight and not throw her weight all over the man. The poor guy will squelched, leaving him wheezing, heaving and fighting for breath, as his lungs slowly shut down such that he might go before anyone comes (and not necessarily to his rescue).

Shave Karura Forest Some women demand that their men ‘go downstairs,’ but some quarters have issues parting thick Napier-grass like hair.

Salt factory workers There is something sexy about a shirtless man sweating, but a woman all sweaty? When a woman sweats, leaving a layer of salt on her body, brushing the tongue over her neck is akin to licking Salt Mineral Blocks for cows and the dampness is a turn off. You would think she’s fresh off a salt packaging plant!

Ugly torn ‘ngotha’ Nothing is a libido killer like peeling off her clothes piece by piece only to be shocked that the last piece standing is an ugly torn panty with a loose blada holding on to her wai