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Don't lose yourself in a relationship

Marriage Advice
 Photo:Courtesy

Ever met a guy and your life comes to a standstill? You are always together on his agenda and you forget you had a family, friends, a career and a life? You lose yourself in the relationship; you no longer know your name, all you know is that you are smitten!

You did not in any way intend to lose yourself but for some reason, in the last couple of months, you have been on an agenda you cannot explain. Looking back, you wonder how you could possibly have lost yourself like Mary who said; I feel lost, no longer in control and living a life I cannot explain. I miss my independence, and freedom. I enjoyed giving up everything for James, not any more, now I resent being in this relationship.

Many individuals have a way of losing themselves in a relationship as they give up everything, making extensive personal sacrifices, in the bid to meet every expectation of their partner and beyond. According to Mary, in the beginning, she was happy to oblige then eventually simply forced herself to conform eventually becoming resentful.

Having some level of independence, self-worth and being realistic and consistent is critical in building a healthy relationship. It is important to embrace a reciprocal relationship which celebrates the individuals as unique and diverse. When one loses themselves in a relationship, with a sole focus on the other person, it breeds anxiety, resentment and breeds rebellion.

In the formative stages of a relationship, one partner may be keen to please the other, they do everything to suppress their partner, often denying themselves of freedom, and autonomy, living the life of someone else, losing themselves totally in the relationship. This feeling of becoming “one” and merging in personality is real, however, this may cause a partner to feel a loss of identity, freedom and even a loss of control. Finding the one is precious, however, it does not in any way mean that you deny yourself, your passion, identity, vision, interests and live a life of someone else.

A few tips to ensure you do not lose yourself;

1. Whatever you do, don’t dump your old friends. When you find a lover, other relationships may become inconsequential and you dump all your friends. That should never happen, friends are a support system. Enjoy your lover, make new friends but keep the old.

2. Never give up your interests and hobbies in the name of love. Since you met him, you gave up everything and have no personal interest, your interests and passion is no more and what you care about is pursuing his interests, hobbies and ambitions. Get back on track, pursue your passions and do not quit.

3. Do not lose sight of your vision and passion It is so good to meet a life partner. However, it is tragic, to lose sight of your vision and mission in life in the name of love. When you have no personal agenda, you lose the respect of your man.

4. Be independent

It is possible to become overly dependent on your lover especially if you have hit it off well. You may be extremely comfortable in their company, however, it is important that you give him space. Everyone needs personal space, including lovers. Ensure you do not create a co-dependent relationship, which can make them feel trapped. Seek to maintain a healthy balance in your life.

5. Time alone is energising As much as you enjoy spending time with your lover, time alone helps to reflect, rejuvenate and re-energise. It gives you an opportunity to evaluate your relationships. It also gives you time to do something that you enjoy and an opportunity to focus on self and building on self-worth.

6. Maintain boundaries Finding “the one” does not mean that you lose your values, beliefs, culture, traditions and faith; most certainly not. You can have it all. There are areas of negotiation, but when you lose the foundations of who you are, you lose your identity and self-worth. Always remember that he fell in love with your individuality and great personality, losing that is losing yourself.

The writer is a Relationship Coach and Author of “Marriage Built to Last .“ You can reach her on: www.jenniekarina.co.ke

 

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