When you are 'friendzoned' by 'the one'

Last week, we discussed finding “the one” and yes I remarked that it is not always easy to find the right romantic partner for it can be a journey of thrills and frills; adventure and apprehension.

Joyce thought she had found the one, until her friend told her otherwise. According to Joyce, it was going so well, Bill was her best friend and confidante.

He not only shared intimate details with her but also made her feel valued and special, they bonded well. Together we could handle any challenge.

“It was most surprising for me to come to the realisation that Bill saw me as a sister and best friend and not a lover and life partner. A close friend of mine, was brave enough to face me and let me know that I was out of line. I was devastated, disappointed, discouraged, distressed and, oh yes, I was an emotional wreck for several weeks, cried all the time and lost purpose and passion. It’s difficult to understand what truly happened because I thought I had nailed it! We were perfect for on another. Actually, I assumed it was only a matter of time before we walked downs the aisle,” Joyce told me.

Being friendzoned, refers to a platonic relationship wherein one person, wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable or dreaded situation by the offended partner.

If a desired party does not return or respond affirmatively to the advances or affection of the desiring party, but continues to have a friend relationship, it can eventually be hurtful to the love smitten one.

There are differing explanations on what causes a person to be placed in the friend zone by another desiring a romantic relationship. It might result from misinterpreted signals or from a fear that a deeper relationship might jeopardise the friendship. In a friendship between the two people, being relegated to the friend zone can happen to either person.

When you become his friend, desiring more than friendship

You know you like him, you are sexually attracted or continually building an attraction and hiding the feelings however, instead of being transparent with your feelings, you come up with a plan. You will become his friend, win his trust and eventually offer yourself for a romantic blast. You become the shoulder to cry on as he shares his joys and challenges.

You love it that he cannot do without you and give him no choice but to be with you the best listener, understanding and compassionate friend. Your plan is simple that he will finally get it and if not you will drop the zone on him. You are desperate for his affection and cannot get him out of your mind because all you crave is an intimate relationship, without his knowledge.

When you are smitten after being his friend

Perhaps you entered into a relationship with only one need “friendship”, however, after being friends, you develop feelings for the guy. You are sincere, familiarity has done you in and now you are craving for an intimate relationship.

After thinking long and hard, you decide to spill the beans, “I have fallen in love with” you sheepishly declare.

To your amazement, the declaration does not breed fruitfulness but regret. He is most certainly not interested in a romantic relationship and considers you a sister, a best friend and a confidante! What next? The guy feels nothing and you are upset, how can he do this to me? Will you make a fuss about being friend zoned or abused? You will no doubt be disappointed; however the question to pose is what if he is the one that suddenly started thinking of you as a romantic partner earlier while you still considered it a platonic relationship? How would you react?

Stop playing the nice girl

Most people who find themselves in the “friend zone” are usually those who play nice, sweet, kind and mostly want to be needed. Stop playing the nice over playing everything trying to win him over.

The writer is a relationship coach and author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke