I heard my husband having sex with younger woman after taping him, but I am afraid to let go

Dear Coleen

I have been married for 47 years and for the past 11 we have not had sex as I thought that my husband did not want it any more.

We have a great family life with three lovely grandchildren and I thought that we were OK. But for the past six months, he has been acting strangely, wearing aftershave and locking his mobile phone and so on.

I bought a small tape device and put it under the seat in his car when he was supposedly going swimming and heard him and a 22-year-old girl having sex in his car.

I know about her and she likes older men. She was having an affair with his single 73-year-old friend before he dumped her.

When she was still seeing his friend, I overheard my husband say to my son, ‘Wow, how did he pull her?’ Well, it seems so has my husband.

I am in bits and don’t know what to do. My husband admits that he loves her, but that she is ‘just a kid’ and that he wants to stay with me. But I just don’t believe he can commit to me now.

I have an appointment with a solicitor soon and my husband has said that maybe I can keep the house as long as I never ever ask him for any money.

Am I scared to go it alone after all these years, or what? Please advise.

Coleen says

I don’t think you need to be scared of anything really. At the moment your husband is treating you like a consolation prize. He’s making it very clear you’re second best because his bit on the side is ‘just a kid’ at 22 and probably not interested in a serious relationship with a man who’s old enough to be her grandfather.

OK, here’s the thing. You’re in the early stages of getting legal advice about a separation. Sometimes you just need to do that to feel back in control of the situation, which you are. It’s down to you now. But make no mistake, if you go your separate ways, you’ll come out of this best. He’ll look like a silly old fool who’s lost everything for a 22-year-old.

Once things get going on the legal front, it might wake him up to the reality of the situation, but you have to decide if you actually want to stay with him and if you can forgive what he’s done and move on from it.

I know you’ve been together 47 years and the majority of those years were probably fabulous, but that doesn’t mean you should spend the rest of your years with him if he’s not worth it.

If you don’t want to leave him and would just be doing it out of pride, then don’t listen to what other people think. It’s how you feel that counts. But it’ll take time, perhaps counselling and a lot of hard work from him.