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‘Lo! Kumbe ni’ under 18

My Man
under 18
 Photo:Courtesy

Part of my extra-curricular activities these days includes going with PEN to local schools and colleges weekends to give talks on writing to students and scholars. Sometimes we are given snippets of these young folks’ artistic works to offer feedback to the school.

I recently got a stapled sheaf of papers from a 16 or 17-year-old we will call ‘Eugenia’ (and in a minute, you will see why she has to operate under an alibi) that I assumed was a collection of loose poems. ‘Kumbe’ it is a missive from the heart! I have severely truncated it. It reminded me of the song ‘Dear Stan’ by Eminem (yes, Youtube it, with lyrics).

“Darling T, wish we were close for us to talk, share ideas, have fun, etc. I am a big ‘Men Only’ fan. We get the magazine on Sato in our school lib n I always read you. Too bad wishes are not horses. I have written lots of poems and hope we shall analyse them one by one to perfect them. I have lots of things to tell you, but I write this letter during prep and can get caught any time and doom for me, you understand? The morning preps too cold, nights so scarey (sic) but I preserve for a great future. My birthday was yesterday but so boring I didn’t even take a soda.

When yours comes, inform us we’re ready to make you feel young once again after so many years! You and my dad are namesakes so can I call you dad if that’s fine by u? You being my role model I wish you could take some time to meet we talk, I pray hard we meet in April. I have a lot to share.

In case of any smoking event like the Elani festival, don’t hesitate to invite me. You have an extra mind and blessed fingers that write magic words. In future I’ll succeed you for you’ll have moulded me to the perfect level. Mwaaahhh! We remain intact 4ever.”

Dear Eugenia,

I am flattered that a young lady like you is my fan, and a bouquet to your school admin for having ‘Eve Magazine’ in the library. Eve is all for the empowerment of young women and has regular talks like ‘Eve Sisters.’ I wish you had sent me your poems instead of this missive because to be close, pigs would literally have to grow wings and fly.

High school morns can be cold and nights scary, but you need to persevere - especially through preps to achieve that great future. Preps are not the time to be writing puppy love notes (why didn’t you spray your letter, by the way? I sniffed and sensed no scent? We used to spray ours, back in the day).

Talking of which, it is true that I do feel older with every passing day - but please don’t call me ‘dad.’ Even my little daughter Chelsea is banned from calling me ‘dad.’ and calls me plain Tony.

We will definitely not meet in April, or next year, or maybe ever. But when you are in college (Nairobi Aviation doesn’t count), you are most welcome to AMKA, the young women’s creative workshop we hold every last Saturday of the month at the Goethe. Also, I refuse to be succeeded. Wanga Wesonga up there has tried, lakini nime-kataa kusonga.

Stay in touch ... with your studies. And Moi to you too. ;-) T.”

Any love - and hate letters - may be sent to the address below. Have a lovely Saturday.

[email protected]

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