How Kenyan married men are babied by their over submissive wives

Men used to have more money than women back in the day. To keep love alive and flowing in marriage, wives had no choice but to be ridiculously submissive, through strange gestures like helping husbands dress up when leaving and undress upon arriving home, as a way of charming them (especially the tight-fisted ones) into opening their fat wallets.

However, due to the dynamics of the modern day division of labour where most women, like their husbands, bring home the bacon, things have changed. Wives, just like their working husbands, get home when they are extremely tired. And the last thing they want is to ‘babysit’ husbands by doing everything for them, including simple things they can do by themselves.

Childish hubbies

A few overburdened women have put their feet down, and successfully staged ‘coups’ in their homes and now call the shots. And true to form, many married men have lost control of their homes, and have since been turned into figureheads.

Take, for instance, the tale told of a husband, secretly suffering in a Nairobi estate. Whenever he messes around, his wife allegedly beats him up while screaming, “Wuuuii Ngai fafa! Ndiri na u?ru (Don’t kill me God! I have no bad intentions!),” creating the impression that she is the one being beaten.

This, she does knowing very well men never cry, at least loudly. Even if he were to tell people his wife batters him, who would believe him, anyway? Thus, she plays victim to sympathetic neigbours the following day, but firmly remains in control of the household. Interestingly, such is the case in many homes.

She read the riot act

But many other women gave up the fight, and have resigned to their fate as they continue to ‘baby’ their husbands. However, others continue to struggle. When Sally sent her husband a tersely worded text message late last year, telling him to sort himself out because she would not be cooking that evening, he thought it was a joke.

After all, it was the festive season, and Kenyans had been cracking all sorts of jokes and poking fun at each other. Or so he thought.

“Stuck in traffic jam. So tired. Jisort, aki sipiki leo!” the SMS read. “He replied with a laughing emoticon. When I got home, he had not cooked. I took a shower, and went straight to bed,” giggles Sally, adding: “He was so pissed off. He sulked for three days. I have done the same a few more times, and he now cooks when I’m late. I mean, why would a man get home earlier than his wife and just sit, waiting for her? What’s so hard about cooking a meal for two people, anyway?”

Men are like children

She adds, “Men, for lack of a better word, are like children. Real talk. If you show them you can do everything for them, you will never rest; you will be doing everything. They like being ‘babied’. Surely, what’s so difficult with, for instance, a man polishing his own shoes?”

“I get shocked that some wives wash their husbands’ underwear and hankies. There are some disgusting chores that everyone should do for themselves. Women are not donkeys! Would same men wash their wives undies? If that is a sign of submissiveness, count me out,” hisses Sally.

Denied conjugal rights

Phyllis, a city resident, tickled this writer with a tale about her husband who, informative years of their marriage, used to cry, just like a baby, when denied conjugal rights.

“These men! Some of the things they do...you know my man used to literally cry whenever I told him I was not in the mood!” laughs Phyllis, adding: “I had to sweet-talk him, prove that I was on my period, otherwise if I simply lied to him that I had a headache, he used to cry and get moody!”

She says her man is such a ‘baby’ that for breakfast, she has to brew the tea in his cup and butter bread for him. “I once served him and went to polish shoes on the balcony. Do you know I came back and found him gloomy, and waiting? To avoid his melodramatic responses, I just do everything for him,” says Phillis.

A fortnight ago, this writer happened to attend a wedding committee meeting in Nairobi’s Ongata Rongai for a colleague who is getting married in April. And while there, I witnessed the worst type of child-like dependency by one married man. Being a weekend, one of my friends came with her husband who behaved like a spoilt brat!

The man behaved liked a helpless child, and did not that he was embarrassing his wife — big time. Drama began early in the day. Just after they had settled for the meeting, it became a bit cold, and seeing as he had left his jacket in the car, he sent her to go get it (as if he has no legs!).

Much later, when it was time to eat, his true baby-like behaviours were laid bare. Everyone was directed to a sink with running water to wash their hands. But guess what? The ‘drama queen’ defiantly sat down and gave his wife a look (like one about to throw a tantrum), suggesting he wanted her to wash his hands.

Just doing their work

His wife had to draw water in a basin and take it to him to wash his hands. It was so awkward. Everyone was shocked. Others couldn’t help but exchange knowing looks and murmurs. As if that was not enough drama, the ‘crybaby’ did not even bother to get up to serve his food; his wife had to do it. And when he needed a second round and some water to drink, it was his wife who stood up and did the needful.

At a buffet, there is always that man who helplessly stands by waiting to be served, yet everyone else is serving themselves. Chances are such types are always married men!

Interestingly, the ‘drama queen’ is not alone. Maurice, a pharmacist in Nairobi, confesses that he too, hardly does anything for himself. He refutes claims that married men like being babied. He says married women are just doing their work, taking care and serving their husbands.

So-called independents

Hear him: “It is the duty of a wife to treat her man like a king. A wife should take care of all her husband’s needs. I grew up in a home where my father was pampered. And they had a wonderful marriage.” He adds, “A woman must learn to take care of her husband in order to keep him. Today, the reason why some marriages are failing is because a lot of young and so-called independent women are clueless about caring and serving their husbands.”

A proponent lawyer of the same thought is Wilfred Kimani, who has been married to his wife for three years now. “I expect my wife to take care of me. To wash my clothes, cook, and serve my food. In the three years I have been married, I have never ventured into the kitchen.

I have never ironed or washed my clothes. Whenever my wife goes out of town, she leaves everything prepared or calls her younger sister to look after me and the house because she knows I cannot do it,” he explains.

George Ng’eno, 24, a student, also believes that there are certain things that a wife should always do, no matter what.

“The work of a wife in marriage is to serve her husband. My elder brother got married last year, and whenever I go and visit him, all he does is sit and read newspapers. She does everything from serving him his food to picking out his clothes for the next day,” Ng’eno explains.

However, Maureen Akinyi, a shop attendant, born and raised in Nairobi, says she initially had wrangles with her husband before she understood where he was coming from.

“He wanted me to cook, serve him, and wash his clothes and even to prepare him for work the following day. We would fight all the time because I refused to be that kind of wife. At one point we even separated for a while because I could not understand why my husband wanted me to do everything for him as if he were a child,” explains Akinyi.

What men like

She says it took her mother’s intervention to save her marriage. “My mum sat me down and explained why men like virtually everything done for them. She told me, contrary to what most women think, some men don’t even need to be loved. They’d rather be respected, instead. And to such men, serving them makes them feel respected,” says Akinyi.

She explains how she initially couldn’t wrap her mind around the whole concept, but it later worked for her. “I realised later that it was the easiest way to keep my marriage together and happy. However, the only thing I refused to do was wash his underwear,” concludes Akinyi.

It saves marriage

There are many other women who don’t see it as a big deal; they baby their husbands to keep their marriages together. “I watched my mum do the same to my dad. She did everything for my father, he was literally helpless without my mother.

I am a married woman now and I apply the same tactics. My hubby likes everything done for him. Sometimes he gets dramatic but I overlook it for the sake of peace. The beauty about it is that I get what I want from him,” explains Cathy Ndege, a PR manager.

“My hubby even has his own special seat, plate and cup. If you sit on his chair, he will evict you. If you don’t serve him using his plate or cup, he complains and gets grumpy. I do not even allow him to serve his breakfast. I have been married now for 12 years, and I have been very happy,” she adds.

The jury is still out on whether ‘babying’ husbands can help keep marriages together.