×
The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
  • Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
  • The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
  • P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
  • Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
  • Email: [email protected]

Ways in which you can ramp up the romance into your sex life to get the spark

Between The Sheets
in bed; no romance
             The spark is important                                 Photo:Courtesy

In a study, a third of us admitted recently that they would happily sacrifice sex for an extra week’s holiday, according to a poll by travel company Expedia – suggesting we’re all too exhausted to work up much steam in the bedroom.

But help is at hand. Our eight-point ‘libido litmus test’ will pinpoint exactly what’s causing your lack of sexual spark and our panel of relationship experts will advise you how to reignite that lovin’ feeling once more…

1 Do you have sex at least once a fortnight?

How this affects libido: You gotta use it or lose it. It’s a simple fact, the more sex you have the more you want.

Sex activates the pleasure centre in our brain, triggering the releases of feel-good chemicals in the brain that leave us wanting more.

Conversely, the less sex we have, the less we tend to crave it.

One Japanese study found that people who had not had sex for a year had a high chance of never having it again!

Expert fix: “If you let lovemaking slide to the bottom of your daily agenda, you simply won’t get round to it,” warns relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam.

“So keep touching – cuddle up together on the sofa. Let your mind wander to sexual fantasies or read erotic fiction. Keep making opportunities.”

“Sleep naked in bed or try simply kissing for a few minutes – it’s something we often do less over time in a long term relationship but sometimes it’s all you need to get you in the mood.”

Watch Anastasia Steele go from innocent student to billionaire's girlfriend in Fifty Shades of Grey Video loading

2 How often do you really talk?

How this affects libido: Studies show that couples who talk regularly have more sex and feel more connected to each other’s needs when it comes to sex.

“Real communication takes time and practice, but it creates intimacy which can lead to tenderness, sensuality and sex,” explains therapist Cate MacKenzie.

Expert fix: Start talking. Tell each other how you’re feeling and be honest about sex.

Ask if your partner feels satisfied with your love life together and ask how you could help – and explain your own needs too.

“This involves making sure there is enough time to be together one-on-one to talk and that takes commitment from both people,” explains Cate.

“Ideally a couple takes 10 to 15 minutes to talk intimately every day, sharing what’s happened and how they’re feeling.”

To do this, Cate suggests sitting close together, keeping as much direct eye contact as you can, then giving each other a turn to share fully while the other remains quiet and listens attentively.

3 How healthy are both your lifestyles?

How this affects libido: People in good health and with a decent level of fitness are nearly twice as likely to be interested in sex as they grow older, and also more likely to report having a satisfying sex life, according to a study by the University of Chicago.

It found men in ‘very good’ or ‘excellent’ health could expect to add five to seven years to their ‘sex life expectancy’, while women in the same position could add three to six years.

Expert fix: “Why not embark on a diet and fitness programme together,” suggests Susan Quilliam.

“Teaming up like this and spending more time together will have the benefit of increasing intimacy, plus you’ll feel better about your bodies, have more self esteem, more stamina and suppleness in the bedroom.

4 Are you trying for a baby?

How this affects libido: As more of us leave it later in life to have babies, the consequent drop in fertility can mean it takes longer to fall pregnant. As a result, couples can find that sex loses all the fun and may go off it completely. “When sex becomes mechanical the spontaneity and lust is lost,” says Andy Gibney, author of How to Seduce your Wife (£9.99 from Amazon). “The man feels like a donor and the woman can feel like a baby carrier.”

Expert fix: If you’re trying for a baby, you don’t need to have sex every day – three times a week has been shown to be the most effective strategy. “And try putting the romance back,” advises Gibney. “You both know what you’re trying to achieve, but make it an adventure, not a chore. Sex should be fun, sensual and erotic – never relegate it to just a physical act.”

5 Do you or your partner have health issues: diabetes, heart disease, depression, bladder or bowel issues or menopause?

How this affects libido: A host of health conditions can cause the sex drive to slump to an all-time low, warns Dr Pixie McKenna from Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies. “Diabetes and undiagnosed heart disease can cause erectile difficulties in men, while hormone fluctuations around pregnancy and the menopause can affect a women’s libido,” she explains. “In addition, depression and bladder and bowel problems can take their toll on both male and female sex drives.”

Expert fix: Don’t accept loss of sex drive as an inevitable part of an illness. Speak to your doctor and ensure your condition is under the best control possible. Ask if there’s anything available that could perk you up. “We’re used to having these types of conversations with patients, so don’t be shy,” says Dr McKenna. “There are many medications and products which can improve poor libido,” she adds. “Sharing any sex worries with your GP is also vital as some undiagnosed serious conditions such as thyroid problems and heart disease can trigger erectile or libido issues.”

6 Can you recall your last ‘date’ night?

How this affects libido: Women are emotionally driven, which is why it’s so important for their partners to fulfil those needs too, according to Andy Gibney.

“Without that emotional stimulation, sex will be the furthest thing from her mind,” he claims.

Expert fix: “Think about what she wants,” Gibney advises men. “That could be flowers or little gifts, but mostly it’s just listening, telling her she looks great and that you love her.”

The author advises women to tell their man what they’re feeling and for both to set aside one night a week for each other – whatever else is going on in their lives with work, kids or social ties.

7 Are you under a lot of stress?

How this affects libido: Any kind of stress can cause a drop in your libido – even if it seems unrelated to your relationship.

Work stress in particular can leave you or your partner too tense to make love.

“It’s been said that the brain is the most important sexual organ, so worries can make your libido lag and impair erections,” warns Dr Pixie McKenna.

“Fatigue also floors our sexual desire, so a hectic pace of life with little sleep will impact your sex life too.”

Expert fix: “Using alcohol as a crutch to beat stress only creates a vicious cycle and will neither improve libido nor erectile function,” advises Dr McKenna.

“Instead find ways to relieve stress together, by booking a weekend away or a night out, or taking long walks or warm baths together – your sex life should get back to normal.”

8 Is resentment turning you off?

How this affects libido: It’s very common, especially when kids come along or one partner has a more stressful job, that the added pressures of ‘grown up’ life can trigger rows and leave one partner fed up with the other’s real – or perceived – faults.

“Once you begin to feel your partner isn’t pulling their weight you start to feel angry with them, and this resentment kills off attraction,” warns therapist Cate MacKenzie.

“People think sex stops because they’re too busy but the reality is that unexpressed hurt can make couples start to avoid each other and not desire sex.”

Expert fix: “To remedy this takes commitment and planning. If you’re super-busy, you have to commit to creating time to discuss the issues – and to be intimate,” says MacKenzie.

“Plan ‘love dates’ when you take turns to massage each other or just talk through what’s bothering you.”

Trying something new together – whether it’s wine tasting or salsa dancing – can also help rekindle that initial attraction.

It can take you back to the time when you found your partner intriguing and exciting – not just the annoying person who doesn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste!

Related Topics


.

Recommended Articles