Alcohol and junk food sellers throw bash to celebrate breaking of New Year resolutions

Barely three weeks into the New Year, cigarette and condom manufacturers, brewers and fast food restaurant owners have thrown a party to celebrate the breaking of New Year resolutions, especially those that were affecting their businesses adversely.

On social media, news of the event quickly went viral as all those who wasted their energies making resolutions were mercilessly mocked and taunted for not having the willpower to see their resolutions through.

Most of the resolutions made that were affecting the aforementioned sectors negatively include quitting smoking and cheating, reducing alcohol intake or quitting altogether, and eating healthy.

So bad was the situation during the first few weeks of January that one sector player confessed that her health suffered from watching the deteriorating business situation.

“Seeing all these declining alcohol sales made me start drinking heavily and my health got poorer and poorer...” she revealed. “But then realising that Kenyans are not serious at all gives me hope for the future... I pray they continue not being able to walk the talk!”

For the general population the mass breaking of resolutions has made them realise that they are no better than the politicians they keep chastising for making empty promises to voters.

“I now know that with all those resolutions we make without meaning to keep, there’s a little politician in every one of us waiting to be let out,” observed one wag. “This country is in a lot of trouble!”

A psychologist has even gone further and described the resolution making euphoria that engulfs Kenyans at the beginning of the year as ‘hot air’; a shocking choice of words seeing that it’s a phrase that’s usually used in reference to politicians not the general citizenry.

With the resolutions broken and business back to normal, speakers at the party gloated that it was sweet victory and welcomed those who had unfortunately broken their cherished resolutions to acknowledge their human frailties and drink, eat and smoke away their sorrows.

“And as we say in this part of Africa, they should accept and move on!” said one speaker to the cheers of many.

In the more serious speeches made at the party it emerged that the three particular sectors were themselves making a resolution to come together and start a revolving fund which they would be dipping into in the slow business month of January.

They have also pledged to start a committee that will look into ways of discouraging people from making resolutions. Whether they will keep their resolutions or not, only time will tell.

It was also clear from the speeches that they were especially worried that the proliferation of motivational speakers in the country could one day lead to a situation where Kenyans actually get to make and keep resolutions.

“We don’t want motivational speakers coming here and empowering people to take charge of their destiny... no, we want weak willed people who will be content with the status quo and let things remain as they are... no one ever died from breaking a resolution and Kenyans are not going to be the first!” said one of the speakers.

The three business sectors are now pleading with the Government to continue making the country an non-viable destination for motivational speakers. They are also planning to go to court to block the sale of self-help books that have anything to do with making and keeping resolutions.