Till death do us part? Women open up on the reasons why they stay in abusive relatonships

In July this year, a Kirinyaga woman stabbed her husband to death for allegedly refusing to buy her shoes worth Sh1,000.

The same month, a CID officer shot his wife dead before turning the gun on himself in a suspected case of a love triangle at Kamiti Corner in Nairobi.

 Earlier, a man aged 30 killed his 28-year-old wife and then committed suicide in Mikubu village in Murang’a County following suspicions of infidelity. Neighbours said the two had been embroiled in a feud for awhile.

 Such cases are too many to enumerate. According to Kenya Demographic and Health Survey (2010), “Overall, almost one-half of ever-married women (47 per cent) have experienced some kind of violence (physical, sexual, or emotional) by a husband or live-in partner.

Slapping was the most commonly reported act, experienced by 32 per cent of ever-married women, followed by being pushed, shaken, or having something thrown at them.

 Fifteen per cent of the women said their husbands kicked, dragged, or beat them, while 14 per cent reported that they were forced to have sex when they did not want to. Twenty-three per cent of the women were insulted or made to feel bad about themselves.”

Why did the women stay in these abusive relationships? Why didn’t they simply pack and leave? The Nairobian spoke to different women who gave their reasons for hanging on. 

 He turns me on like a switch

Interestingly, some women enjoy being beaten. Janet Onsoro, a kiosk owner at Kibera says that her husband is always passionate in bed after giving her a thorough beating. “I get turned on when a man beats me,” she says.

“Sometimes I even provoke him just to spice up things in bed. He kind of makes it up to me in bed with so much zeal,” Janet confessed.

So is it just a small pillow fight? “No, it’s serious, I even have bite marks and he pulls my hair, but I always forget the pain after the satisfaction in bed,” she told The Nairobian.

This is particularly common in traditional rural communities where men are viewed as small ‘gods’ and consider talking to women as beneath them. Thus, beatings, cruel as it may sound, become the only way to express intimacy.

Stuck with a drama king

While some women look forward to being smacked, others stay back for fear of the unknown.

“My husband is very possessive,” Nancy Wairimu told this writer. “I once moved back to my parents in Kinangop and he followed me there. He caused so much drama, banged his head on a concrete wall and vowed not to leave without me. I just had to save my parents the embarrassment and shame because they were against the marriage in the first place. I had just finished my KCSE when we met. We dated secretly for a while before I discovered I was pregnant. He got a job in Nairobi as a tout. It was the naivety of youth and excitement about quick bucks, so I joined him in Nairobi,” she added.

She claims that eloping with the manamba and dropping out of school means she is in it for the long haul. Going back home is not an option.

“Sometimes he even brings other women home and when I complain, he beats me up. I can’t go back to my parents because he becomes so dramatic. I’m stuck here!” she laments.

For the sake of kids

According to Arise Kenya Counsellors’ psychologist, Catherine Mbau, most women fear walking out of a relationship, because they think their children will blame and resent them.

“Most children at a tender age still need their family intact. Such expectations hold back women from leaving for fear that it will turn the children against them,” Catherine explains.

She attributes such notions to lack of education and societal expectations.

“But it is a big mistake, because the children suffer even more when they see their parents fighting. This is how the violence mentality is passed on. It becomes normal for the children to be as abusive and violent as the parents,” says the psychologist.

Heartless brutes

Some men are not only violent, but also possessive. These men will blackmail their women when they realise they are about to leave them.

They will bring up issues of custody and threaten to cut the women off from assets that they may have accumulated together.

Sally Mwandime, a city council officer and mother of three, has been stuck in this kind of dilemma for years.

“The violence started after our third daughter. He really wanted a boy and he would verbally and physically abuse me in front of our children. I thought he would stop after the birth of our last born son, but it got worse,” Sally says.

Her police officer husband always threatens to shun his responsibilities like paying school fees for the children and their upkeep should she leave.

“I earn peanuts, so I am stuck here and by the time my children complete their education, I will be too old to go anywhere. These are some of the sacrifices I have to make for my children,” says an emotional Sally.

Dorcas Wavinya a casual labourer is another victim of blackmail. Her first and last attempt to leave saw her lose her household items and resulted in restricted access to their children.

“My husband sent goons to take my few household items. He also spread false rumours that cost me my job as a housekeeper. He did not let me see my children. He knew exactly how to hurt me,” a rather desperate Wavinya narrates.

It runs in the family

Some cases of violence seem to run in the family. It’s like, “my father beat my mum, so it just goes with being in a relationship” kind of resignation.

“Getting beaten isn’t the worst thing that can happen in a family. I know of worse things. Of course my mother would leave, but parents never give up on one another. Who am I to leave? When I got married, I was made to understand that it is not going to be a bed of roses,” Angie Muemi, who was once scalded with hot water by her husband, says.

Such women feel that walking out would make them look like failures and that holding on to an abusive marriage makes them virtuous. They take their marriage vows seriously and will leave up to the “till death do us part” promise.

Whereas some women are strong enough to walk away, there are those who will hold on in the hope that the abusive man will change.

“Women are naturally forgiving and any expression of regret and remorse from the man will be enough to convince them to stay. All the man need to do is promise that ‘it will never happen again’ and they will be back in good books,” Mbau explains.

The fact of the matter though is that a man who has hit you once would not hesitate to hit you a second time.

Better an abusive one than none Mbau says that the African culture sends the wrong message to women; that they are only valuable if they are married.

“Women without partners tend to be looked down on, hence their desperate need to be with a man. The fear of being disgraced by their community and bringing shame to their extended families is one of the reasons they stay.”

In other instances, some women will hang on to a relationship even in the absence of children for fear of being branded whores.

Then there are those who are driven by their biological clock. These are women aged 40 and above and could be suffering from self-esteem issues and would not want to die as ‘old maids.’