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Application for a Second Lady

My Man

I was touched by my upstairs neighbour's plea for someone to please take her off the singles' shelf.

Sadly, I'm already hitched – but then, happily, I remembered the new Marriage Act. If your first wife gives her consent, and you were married in a civil ceremony, then under customary law, you can contract a second wedding.

So that's what I did.

It wasn't easy getting permission, though.

But after three days without food and drink in the family basement (there might also have been a bit of gentle play with pliers and duct-tape), she was eventually persuaded into seeing things my way by Mashujaa Day.

So, here goes.

I am a funny, financially ... wait a minute, I am supposed to be the 'employer' here. So why am I advertising my qualities? Scratch that, let us start again.

All applicants are welcome – from Karen to Kamayole!

(We don't want to be accused of single sourcing for second wives from the Wesonga area only).

For the successful applicant for second wife, you should know that weekends are out. Sundays will be for the First Lady and family, and Saturday from 2pm, for the boys at Psys like 'Nasri' and my Chelsea soccer family on Super Sport 3. I am free Fridays, though. So we're good to go.

I must confess right from the start that I cannot cook to save my life (or even to poison my enemies). I often even forget to feed myself, so if you don't regularly remind us to eat, one day you'll come home and find a skeleton, saying 'hallo sweetie' on my seat (then you will faint, and I will have to take you to hospital, where they will think I am a donation to Science and lock me up in a cupboard in Chiromo, and we'll be no more, my Momo) ...

Itindi, (and other prospective applicants), I don't call differences of opinion, 'differences of opinion'. I call them 'arguing with your husband.'

So, say, I say we are spending the day collecting a million signatures from our neighbours to 'Okoa Kenya,' that is what we'll do. And if I say we are going the Jubilee way, well then, slap me.

As the man Whispers used to call 'Man Toro' used to say, "we sing like parrots to my song". The day you have a second wife, she'll sing your song.Tell me something once, I've heard. Tell me something twice, that's nagging. It is really very simple. It's not that I didn't hear you the first time round. I heard, but ignored.

I pay the rent and buy the food, because it is a man's duty to put a roof over his family's head, and bread in their belly. Weave na expenses za makucha, hizo ni zako!

We don't do 'moods.' Moods, you take them under there. (Ask yourself the obvious question during the commercial break in the writing of this column).See? – I just made you say 'underwear.'

Second Lady, let us also keep our friends and families apart. Quite frankly, I would be quite happy if when I went to pay dowry was the last time I saw my new 'mother-in-law.'

Talking of the law, we must sign something called a pre-nuptial agreement (and 'pre-nup' sio a small snooze before sex, silly)! Marriages these days are fragile creatures, and women are not to be trusted.

Sitaki ati after three years, we split and you take off with half the stuff me and First Lady acquired over the years – only to hear soon after that you are the proud owner of 'Ram-Shackles for Rent' in Ronga.

 

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