Nurture a partnership as mom and dad

Before, having baby disagreements with your husband or partner over what movie to watch was an important part of getting to know each other. But then you became parents and the 2am stand-offs to comfort your wailing baby or let her cry, make you wonder if you really knew each other at all. Couples argue nearly twice as often once they become parents. The top ten row triggers include bedtime, discipline and what your child should eat.

According to relationship psychologists, parenthood is a complicated, tiring task that we don’t get properly trained for, no wonder clashes often happen. Most of it stems from how you were parented - you often unconsciously act out what happened to you. You may, therefore, find making joint decisions on your baby’s upbringing fairly challenging. Here, are top tips on how to parent peacefully.

Discuss first

Try and talk before the baby comes so you can learn each other’s views, especially on the big issues of feeding and discipline, and iron out any differences beforehand. Even when you’re pregnant and parenting seems abstract and far away, look at baby books together and find a style you think will suit you both. Treat it as seriously as you do your family budget.

First discuss how each of your were parented, then write down specific strategies, asking questions like, “Should we go to baby when she cries? Should we feed on demand?” Obviously this may change when the baby is born, but at least you’ve got a good starting point.

Divide chores

Few parents haven’t had the, “I’m more tired than you” argument at 5.30am when your little one’s alert and ready for the day. It’s so easy for resentment to build when you’re both exhausted and looking to each other for a break. Draw up a diary of household tasks, making sure you both do the things you like as well as don’t like. If you love cooking and he’s happy to do the wake-up feed then allocate those tasks accordingly but allow for bad days too and try not to be rigid if one of you slips.

Have a date night

Parenting can feel overwhelming and it’s easy for you to drift into a flat-mate type relationship and wonder if this is all there is. Going out every week just the two of you and trying not to talk too much about the baby should remind you why you’re with each other. It will also make you more willing to listen to each other when you disagree.

Work together

No one knows how to parent perfectly, so be open to learning from each other. You’ll both have different strengths - perhaps he might be better at play and you better at discipline. Between you, you can work out a third way that isn’t necessarily your way or his but a compromise using bits of both.

What to do if you’re already clashing...

1. Don’t retaliate. An argument takes two so even if you think you’re right, try another tactic. If your partner is shouting at you, stop what you’re doing, look at him head-on and he’s likely to very quickly stop yelling and run out of steam, then you can talk calmly.

2. Bring in an expert. If you really can’t agree, get a third party to help. You could see a parenting expert. Bringing in a third neutral party voice can help if you’re stuck in a rut.

3. Accept conflict. Just as your baby develops and changes, so will your parenting. Accepting that your differing styles will be a topic for discussion and compromise for the next 18 years often means you stop arguing about little things in favour of the big picture.