Why I’m always very afraid of female bigots

I was moderating a forum a few moons ago, titled, “The Future of Men”. The general intention was to get a group of disparate men to talk about personal experiences of manhood and imagine a future dominated by positive male ethos, the kind that women want.

As it so happens, this forum was attended by more women than men and they were the more vocal contributors at the session.

It soon got confrontational, and any man who so much as dared to speak his mind was shouted down. So much for asking what men want. This attitude is commonplace.

For as long as women feel unsafe and aggrieved, ALL MEN are to blame and any man who doesn’t express open solidarity with women is a sexist. Therefore, in order to avoid an argument, most men withheld their opinion and left the forum feeling vilified, attacked and guilt ridden.

Accused of being sexist

This is a common state of affairs in middle class gatherings where women are in the majority. Men feel the need to be apologetic and adopt a change of behavior in order to maintain a decorum to suit women’s expectations.

The first step to avoiding confrontation in this contemporary reality is policing one’s speech lest you get accused of being sexist and disrespectful to women. In many professions, this is about as a big a blot on one’s reputation as being called a racist in a US presidential contest.

Collective blame

Men are often labelled beneficiaries of a patriarchal system that accords them privilege over women and children on the sole basis of their genitalia.

Yet what is often left unsaid is that patriarchy is a system perpetuated by both sexes. They are many women who milk the privileges of a male based support system.

Men know they have to provide because it is part of an engrained social role that defines their masculinity. Men are defined by roles, through these roles they establish an identity. There are economic and ingrained social obligations to women and children.

The role of father for example is being rendered obsolete because it is something that can be stripped away by a woman at any time.

A woman can have a child without male consent, deny a man access to his child and make him disposable. Father’s Day for instance is now a tramping ground for women who feel they deserve accolades for single parentage.

We have created a unique problem that constitutes a generation of men who do want to be labelled sexist like their fathers were, thriving on female subordination. At the same time, they have no interest in becoming drones that pander to every female expectation of what defines a great guy.

In essence, most men are feminist. They advocate for the rights of women for the simple reason that they owe their growth and development to female intervention and have daughters to raise.

While we acknowledge that the fight for the rights of women is absolutely essential, it is not a license to lash out at men in this recycled narrative of collective blame.

Bigotry against men

As a result, when men organise around their gender issues, there is almost a knee jerk tendency to be reactionary and defensive which diverts them from their primary goal.

To build a safe space for men in search of personal liberation from the similar, stereotypical straitjacketed gender roles that patriarchy enforces.

Unless we tell the other side of the story, of men rewriting the masculinity script, who take care of business, secure their homes, remain present in their children’s lives and are supportive partners, we shall continue to normalise bigotry against men for no other reason than their biologically assigned genitalia.