How old is too old to go clubbing, wear a bikini and kiss in the street?

Polly Hudson takes a mischievous look at ageism and lays down some brand-new age-old laws.

Pop star La Roux has been deemed too old for Radio 1 at the grand old age of 26… We're not sure what the world is coming to, but apparently it’s coming to it sooner than ever nowadays.

It appears the boundaries are changing yet again, and we can forget everything we thought we knew about what is appropriate and what isn’t, so some clarification is needed...

At exactly what age are you too old for everything?

Go clubbing?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that there will always one old bloke – probably with a ponytail – dancing – probably on his own – in the corner of every club.

When you’re very young, you think he’s really cool and nonconformist, and vow to be just as wild and free as he is when you get to his age. Yeah, man!

Then you get a bit older and realise he’s actually extremely sad, lonely, and desperately trying to cling on to his long-gone youth in a pretty pathetic fashion instead of facing reality. Go home, grandpa!

Verdict: Only for the under-30s please

Wear a bikini?

Anyone older than 48 got the thumbs-down for putting on an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-etc bikini in a recent survey of 1,000 people, but to all of them, there are only two words: Helen. Mirren.

So maybe we need a caveat – if you are thinking of wearing a two-piece in public past 48, you must get the written approval of at least three people first, after they’ve checked out what you look like from all angles.

For your own good as much as the good of the eyes and souls of everyone who will see you in it.

Verdict: 48, with the Mirren clause

Kiss in the street?

Public Displays of Affection are A-OK for teenagers, but only because they have no choice, and nowhere else to go and do that kind of thing.

For the rest of us, it’s beyond gross and no one wants to be forced to witness it, thank you very much indeed. Literally: get a room.

Verdict: Under-18s only

Be a woman on TV?

We’re so used to seeing old men paired up with much, much younger 'TV wives' that we’ve been conned into thinking it’s acceptable... Think Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly, for example, which was only stopped because he physically couldn’t do it any more, rather than it being sick and wrong.

And yet, as soon as a woman reaches a certain age, like Miriam O’Reilly on Countryfile, she is deemed revolting and must be taken off the small screen as soon as possible for fear of upsetting viewers of a nervous disposition.

So that’s fair then.

Verdict: There should be no limit, as with men

Dance at weddings?

Remember the sad old lone groover in the corner of the club? Well this is basically the same as that, right? Wrong, actually!

A wedding is the only time it is acceptable for people over 40 to dance in public. Ha.

You can get away with it because of the overwhelming feeling of love, acceptance and optimism in the air… just kidding – really it’s because no one will ever be sober enough to remember it happened next day.

Verdict: There’s no limit

Live at mum and dad’s?

Let’s all try and get through this one without mentioning Ronnie Corbett as Timothy in Sorry, OK? OK.

So in these cash-strapped, recession-tastic times no one has any money and people are being forced by cruel circumstance rather than any real fault of their own into moving back home with their folks.

Unfortunately rules are still rules - and if you stay any longer than three months you are Timothy. Oops.

Verdict: Unacceptable past 20, unless it’s only briefly

Go trick or treating?

This one is easily judged by the individual – if you’re too embarrassed to put on a silly Halloween costume then you’re too old to go trick or treating.

Without a costume, you’re just going to people’s houses demanding free stuff. Best-case scenario a beggar, and worst a bully.

Verdict: Varies from person to person, but roughly 10-ish

Have a tattoo?

That survey said if you’re 31 it’s too late for any body art. What were those thousand people smoking, eh?

Thirty-one is definitely more than old enough to know better and anyone who does shouldn’t even be thinking about getting a tattoo, let alone going out and actually having one.

Verdict: Before you’re 20 or not at all (and then you can start saving for laser removal at 21)

Wear stuff from Miss Selfridge?

It doesn’t matter if most of their stock still fits you or if you can 'share' - somehow cram yourself into by hook or by crook - clothes with your daughter.

As the saying goes, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

The truly ironic thing is that if you’re Whitney Dressed As Britney, you are definitely making yourself look much older than you are, not younger.

And if your eyesight wasn’t so bad you’d probably be able to see that for yourself.

Leave the teen shops to teenagers, old lady.

Verdict: No one over 24

Vote for an act on The X Factor or Strictly Come Dancing?

This is a complicated one. The survey says the cut-off for The X Factor is 26 but that seems too simple and doesn’t take into account the amount of alcohol consumed on the night in question or whether you have nasty feeling that a complete and utter travesty you would never forgive yourself for what is about to occur.

I mean, if One Direction are involved, there’s basically no age at which you shouldn’t step in to do the right thing – equally if you’re being tactical and helping to get someone like Wagner kicked out.

Having said that if you’re over the age of 30 you should be watching Strictly anyway.

Verdict: X Factor up to 30, Strictly no limit