Football is finally over, it’s time to hand over the TV remote

Thank Goodness it is over, the World Cup. This calls for joy, ululations and celebrations from a majority of Kenyan women who feel zilch about 22 grown-ups chasing a piece of leather inflated with air.

With the end of the World Cup, men’s relationship with the TV remote control is also over. As the Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff handed over the trophy to Germany Captain Phillip Lahm, scores of men in living rooms across the world were preparing to hand over the TV remote to their women.

The president was quite displeased that she was not handing over the trophy to a fellow Brazilian. As soon as FIFA President Sepp Blatter handed her the trophy to present to the eventual winners, she quickly offloaded it, without even bothering to show her teeth, as if it was burning her fingers.

It has been the same case for the men. They no longer have unlimited access to the TV remote and ‘normal programming’ in most homes has since resumed.

My pal Mark tells me that his madam, despite having an early morning the following day, waited for the final match, and the trophy presentation to confirm that indeed the damn tournament is over.

“You should have seen the horror in her face when I told her that there would be another World Cup in December,” joked Mark. “She looked like the devil incarnate.”

“But I don’t remember hearing this in the media?” she had protested.

“My dear, it has been advertised on social media. It’s the digital way of doing things,” Mark had teased her as she struggled with the prospects of missing her favourite soap operas and fashion programmes.

Favorite soap

“How long will it be?” the madam had asked, conceding defeat.

“This one will be three months,” Mark lied.

“Three damn months?” she shrieked.

“Yes, baby. They will even have women football, so you may actually get something that you can enjoy,” Mark had reassured her. But apparently she was not even aware that women play football.

But there are more reasons as to why women hate football. Your favorite soap has been kicked out of its sacred God-given slot and banished to some ridiculous hour of the night, just because of a stupid soccer match.

Grrrr. Then there is that belief that watching football lowers men’s IQ by about 100 points - and these are points they can ill afford to lose.

There is abundant evidence for this phenomenon. For example, during a match, men will scream at the TV screen: “Cross it, Messi, you muppet!” Yet Messi cannot hear them!

Often Messi is not even in the same country. And even if he could hear, why would one of the highest-earning footballers in the world pay the slightest bit of attention to a pizza-munching sofa tactician?

Financial drain

There is the financial drain as well. Most Premier League football clubs change the design of their strips about every year.

You won’t get much change out of about Sh5, 000 for a shirt alone. Each time your son’s team brings out a new strip, he wants one.

You can’t really afford it but you convince yourself if you don’t buy it, his friends will ostracize him, he may become withdrawn, his education will suffer and ultimately he will end up an unemployable introvert with a weight problem.

If that is not enough, professional football players appear to think spitting is big and clever. It’s not, it’s disgusting. It’s even worse when the spittle dribbles down the shirt - someone has to wash that. As for that thing they do when they close one nostril and blow out the contents of the other...yeuch. Yuck!