Prezzo UK preaches prosperity gospel, then comes down to Earth in fit of fury

By Peter Kimani

Kenya: While I never doubted our Dynamic Duo to be refined entertainers, I underrated their capacity to develop into world-class acts in just one short year! Their ribaldry has evolved from the comical to the farcical.

From the onset, the duo of Prezzo UK and his Deputy, Willy the Hustler, declared they would transform our hard-knock politics into the realm of the possible, change we can believe in, was their mantra, and none of us had reason to doubt their make-believe kingdom would unfurl.

After all, they also professed to be “digital” so at the very least, computer simulations of the prosperity gospel they were preaching could somehow be beamed for us to envision, more so when they started their big talk about giving a free laptop to every tot with teeth.

Now we know that laptop story was just a story, or to use the slang from my youth, which must have been long gone out of vogue, pandisa or pandisia.

I like the ring of the word, its intimation of elevation, lifted from the sphere that we inhabit to some place out of this world. Because when one is up there, elevated beyond our grasp, there can only be one place to go, and that’s down – down to earth.

But when Prezzo UK finally came down to earth, it was in a sudden gush of frothy histrionics, a far cry from the polished enunciations delivered in soft cadence, prompted by a teleprompter because he could not trust his mind to remember everything.

This week, Prezzo UK had no such pretentions. There was a scowl on his face as he slouched forward, like a bullfighter about to charge, before spitting out the “major, major steps” that his Government was making towards containing the ever-ballooning public wage bill.

He said the forum was a “national dialogue,” in which Kenyans would be invited to make propositions to address the challenge that faced them collectively, even though they had no hand in its creation.

Imaginary foes

“All parastatal chiefs will conform to what the Executive has done,” Prezzo UK thundered, “they will conform… we expect it… we expect them to do it… And failure to do so…”

A president does not give orders and leave room for dissent and Prezzo UK quickly realised his mistake. His open hands that had been stabbing the air aimlessly congealed into fists, which soon crumbled to reveal index fingers that pointed towards his imaginary foes.

“We’re not doing this to hurt anyone,” Prezzo UK assured, a flash of joy rippling through his chubby face as his voice melted into a plaintive plea. “Imagine…” he started, which confirmed he had retreated to his make-believe world, where he hopes Kenyans can believe again.

He thrust a finger to his left ear, perhaps to confirm he was hearing right, for the pleading tone he had adopted belied neither authority nor believability.

“Imagine today…” Yes, today is the day that the national dialogue will commence; today is the day the parastatal chiefs will eat dust, in a manner of speaking, by forfeiting a portion of the pay they had no role in deciding.

But in Prezzo UK’s imaginary dialogue, the real eating chiefs who choose how much they will earn, drawing on taxes from impoverished Kenyans, the MPigs, will not feature in today’s dialogue.

“Imagine today,” Prezzo UK went on in his soliloquy, drifting further away in his vision, spelling out yet another possibility that can only be achieved in his imaginary world.