Buona mattina, Signore. Come vanno le cose? Good morning, Sir. How have you been?
I have been taking a crash course in Italian since I learnt former Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi is in Malindi.
Why, Berlusconi is one of the wealthiest men in Europe, and possibly the flashiest. He often attends parties for 18-year-olds, no doubt to dispense some words of wisdom, when he is not organising parties at his mansions, popularly known there as bunga bunga.
I know that sounds like funga funga, which is not too far off from chips funga – the Sheng euphemism for packing girls away like a takeaway meal.
I think Berlusconi would be delighted about these linguistic parallels; if bunga means partying, then funga announces an even bigger party.
And Berlusconi would be pleasantly surprised to hear his Sardinia suburb, where he organised debauchery, is imitated by a neighbourhood by the same name in Malindi. That could mean what he does Italy’s Sardinia, could well be organised in its Malindi namesake.
There is no exaggeration here; I think this is kismet for the newly launched Campus Divas for Rich Men, the forum where broke female university students have a bright idea about social empowerment.
Although Berlusconi swears he has never paid for those things, those campus divas are adept at learning. They say they are not offering their bodies to the highest bidder. They are simply looking for love, especially from old men who have accumulated a bit of wealth. I think that distinction is key. They’re not looking for overnight millionaires. They are looking for people who have toiled for their riches over a considerable period of time.
Berlusconi fits the bill perfectly. He is 75, and his estate is worth several billion euros, which means a private jet is well within his means if he chooses to spoil his inamoratas.
Beautiful young thing
He also has fairly good looks, thanks to a succession of plastic surgeries – the most recent coming last year, after someone chipped his tooth in a Milan street.
From past experience, I suspect Berlusconi would start and end any conversation with a girl with the line: Quanti anni hai? (what’s your age). This was after Italian prosecutors claimed he had deflowered a beautiful young thing called Karima or Ruby.