By GRACE NAKATO
It is back to school for parents in Uganda. And with the escalating school fees and commodity prices, we are all looking for ways to make a quick buck with minimal effort.
Every day, I hear of some fool who has been parted from her money. A part of me wants to slap the fool and the other to clap at the sheer ingenuity of Kampala’s crooks.
A certain pastor almost got himself locked up for charging one of his sheep UGSh20 million as a finder’s fee.
He had a ‘vision’ where he saw a house that she was going to get that had UGsh500 million stashed somewhere and if she paid him the finder’s fee, he could show her the exact house and also the location of the dimes on the premises. She forgot the pastor was gearing up for the Summer Olympics. He and the loot did a runner on her. Obviously, her Bible doesn’t contain the passage about gluttony and sloth being two of the seven deadly sins.
My business scam plan also requires minimal initial investment. All I need is a couple of actors, a large hall, and an SMS number to dial a prayer with premium charges for the different types of prayers.
I will advertise my services in all the local radio stations in the wee hours of the night to catch those souls who are idle and not tired enough to be asleep.
We are all out for a quick buck and it will be a win-win situation all around.
The actors will call in about miracles they received after attending my services or prayer sessions. The DJ will mention my short code and services programme and get a weekly cut of the SMS revenue. One-on-one prayer sessions for special issues like straying spouses and promotions will be at special rates.
Brother Paul will give a testimony how last Sunday, after Pastor preached on giving of seed, he gave all the money he had been saving for the children’s school fees. On Monday, it came back dabo dabo when he found a large amount of cash had been miraculously deposited in his bank account.
Sister Gloria will testify how, after the special evening prayers on Monday night, her womb was opened and she is now expecting twins after years of barrenness.
On Sunday, preaching will be a synch as most people these days have no clue what is contained in the Bible and the only time they open that Book is on Sunday trying to locate the passage the sermon will be based on. The preacher can, therefore, misquote non-existent chapters and verses to represent whatever the congregants want to hear.
My friend Ruth is a born again, but because God helps those who help themselves, she has “bottled” (read Jujud) her husband to keep him from straying out of the marital bed.
I believe within at least six months, I will have a new car with vanity plates to enable the congregants to know when I drive past on my way to important ministering missions.
Somebody say, “Aaa-y-men!”